If you’ve been following the advice in this book you should be getting a fair amount of phone numbers. Once again, I’m not saying to try to get as many phone numbers as possible, I’m saying that if you put yourself your there you’re going to start meeting a lot more women who you have chemistry with who you’ll want to see again. Unfortunately though, once a phone number is received, a lot of guys make mistakes that prevent them from ever seeing that girl again. This chapter is meant to highlight the most common mistakes and, while there will always be fallout for reasons that have nothing to do with you, by following this advice you’ll be able to ensure that the VAST majority of numbers you take (from women you have actual chemistry with) will turn into dates.

Also, you may note that calling a girl was left out of this book. That’s because the world is changing. Everyone realizes that for basic communication, texting is more convenient than calling. When you call someone, it puts a woman on the spot, they have to available at that exact moment you call and be ready to have a conversation with someone who probably makes her a little nervous (she probably likes you, obviously she wouldn’t have given you her number in the first place). Texting someone recognizes that they have a busy schedule and allows them to respond when it’s convenient for them. Also, when a girl is into a guy, she’ll often have her texts to you proofread by at least one of her girlfriends so she can feel more confident about what she’s communicating to you instead of worrying about coming across as “awkward” on the phone. A few women will still prefer phone calls (usually a little older) and they’ll be sure to let you know. If that’s the case then give them a call and simply apply the rules I list below to those conversations.

 

• Assume High

The most common mistake guys make when texting is that he feels he needs to win her over and get her to give him enough of a positive response that he feels comfortable asking for a date. On one hand, he wants her to make the first move once again. On the other, he’s ignoring the fact that she already likes him and wants to see him again, once again indicated by the fact that she gave him her number in the first place. After she sends a two or three texts that show thought and emotion I’m going to start setting up the date as I describe below.

Your texts should never be sent with the intention to try to get her to like you more, otherwise she’ll start to wonder once again why you’re trying so hard. She’ll eventually give shorter and shorter responses to these attempts, or start ignoring him altogether. The guy wonders where he went wrong and what he could have said to get a stronger response out of her (to get her to make the first move) – meanwhile she simply got tired of waiting for him to ask her out.

Instead of trying to get her to like you more, text should only be sent for these purposes:

1. To share a little about my day and show her you’re curious about how she’s doing and what she’s up to
2. To employ the conversation skills detailed in Part 2 to either react to what she’s saying appropriately, relate my own experiences, ask deeper questions, or follow the trail of breadcrumbs
3. To set up a date

 

• After Getting Things Going, Follow Her Lead

It’s usually your job to start the texting. I’ll typically send a text the same night (or day) as getting a girls number along the lines of, “it was great meeting you, I hope pizza is good”. If she responds, that’s a really good sign, but if she doesn’t it doesn’t really matter. The main point of that text is just so she has a text in her inbox with my name on it (or whatever name she made up for me) so the next day I’m extra-easy to remember.

Whether she responded or not, I’m going to initiate texting with her the next day (it’s typically your job to initiate texting on any given day until she gets more comfortable with you). I usually won’t send the first text of of the day to a woman until about mid-afternoon, simply because I’m busy with other priorities such as work, eating, working out, etc. This is a girl you just met, you shouldn’t be demonstrating that she’s immediately more important than everything else you had going on in your life before – and she shouldn’t be. Every woman has different preferences with texting though, and once I send that first text I’ll usually follow her lead when it comes to how I proceed.

The first area I’ll follow a girl’s lead is in timing. If she likes to respond quickly, I’ll tend to respond more quickly in between taking care of whatever other priorities I have for the day. If she takes longer to get back, hours or even waiting until the next day, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like me, just that that’s her texting preference, and I’ll mirror that preference.

The other area I’ll follow her lead is in length and conversation continuation. Some girls like to have conversations via text, while others prefer short, quick texts. Once again, I’ll mirror her preferences. If she still gives responses that contain thought and emotion, but they’re a bit shorter and she doesn’t fill in the “moment of truth” with additional questions back at me, then I’ll keep my responses shorter and won’t try to continue the conversation after filling in the first one or two “moments” – as long as I’ve gone for the date. If she gives longer responses and fills in those gaps, than I’ll enjoy a more conversational text interaction as long as I want to given my other priorities.

 

• The Slow-Drip

Another common mistake guys make when setting up a date is that they try to confirm all the details of the date as soon as possible: “Ok, so we’re going to meet on Friday at 8 at Rick’s Cafe”. They feel that “locking down” that information makes their future date more likely and the confirmation of information makes them feel more secure. As many guys who have done this in the past can attest to though, this added “security” certainly doesn’t make her any less likely to flake on the date

When you think about it though, although it may not be egregious, you’re acting a little weird. When you’re making plans with friends, you don’t try to solidify every detail as soon as possible. You may say, “hey, you free on Friday for that show”, he responds, “yeah”, and you say, “cool, let’s plan on getting together then”. And then you work out the further logistics as the need arises. The next day you may say, “want to grab a drink before the show?”, and either the day before or the day of you probably send something like “hey, let’s meet at Joe’s around the corner from the show at 8”.

You should be doing the same thing with women. As I said above, when she sends me two or three texts that she’s put some thought or emotion into I’m going to start to set up the date, which is all about taking care of logistics. Whenever plans are made with anyone, logistics have to be dealt with. When it comes to dates, it’s typically the man’s job to take care of them and do it as smoothly as possible, like you would with your friends.

The first logistical hurdle you both face to setting up a date is typically the general time – what day, what part of that day. After replying to whatever conversation we were having in those first several texts, unless we already have plans for some specific event, I’ll send a quick followup text that says, “hey, are you free to grab a drink on Thursday by any chance?” or “I’d be great to grab coffee with you this week, what’s your schedule look like?”. (In the following chapter we’ll discuss why your first date should almost always be a drink or cup of coffee.) After we confirm the general time I won’t try to push for any more logistics at that point (unless the date is the next day). If she asks where we’re meeting I’ll say I’m not sure yet but it’ll be amazing, because I’m not, and it will be. After getting this first logistic handled, I definitely have no need to fill in any more moments of truth and try to continue the conversation any longer than she’d like to.

The next two pieces of logistical info you need are the general area so you can pick a place, and a more specific time. It really doesn’t matter which order you take care of these in. Space them out over days if you’ve got plenty of time before the date so you have more excuses to text her in between, or get them both out of the way the day after you set the date and approximate time if there’s a crunch for time. If we haven’t discussed it already, for general area I’ll simply text something like, “I’m in Chinatown, what neighborhood are you coming from so I can pick some place in between”. For a more specific time, I’ll ask, “what time do you get free on Friday?”

The last piece of the puzzle is the specific place. I’ll usually share this the day of, or the day before (especially if she asks) “Have you been to The Room? It’s very cool, let’s meet there at 8:30”. As she’s confirming these details within twenty four hours of the actual date it’s virtually impossible for her to flake on said date, all because you handled the logistics like you would with any friend.

One last mistake that guys often make when it comes to taking care of the logistics is that they don’t confirm the details. A woman will say, “I’m free on Thursday”, and the guy will reply, “cool”, or, “sounds good”. He’s excited because he feels like he went for a date and got a positive response, meanwhile he never actually confirmed that date and she’s wondering if it’s actually on or not. If he let’s a couple days drift before he mentions the date again because he’s nervous that he’ll “mess it up”, then she could very well make other plans, leaving him frustrated that she “flaked” on the date he was looking forward to.

It’s important to confirm every detail. When she says, “I’m free Thursday”, I’ll reply, “Sounds great, I’ll look forward to seeing you then”. Is a small change, but one that makes a big difference. When she says, “I’m free at 7:30”, I won’t say, “sounds good”, but rather I’ll reply, “sounds good, I’m free at 8, let’s plan on meeting at 8:30”. Once again, it’s often your job to take care of logistics. Don’t shy away from the task, but rather make her feel like every detail is handled.

 

• If She Doesn’t Respond

When a woman doesn’t respond to your text messages, guys have a tendency to ‘freak out’ and start over-analyzing every little thing that they might have done wrong. As long as you had a sexual connection, or sometimes a deep emotional connection when you get her number in the first place then her lack of response probably doesn’t have as much to do with anything you did wrong as it has to do with something happening with her. Maybe she had an ‘ex’ pop back into her life, maybe she lost her phone, maybe she got busy and just forgot, or maybe you just didn’t go for the date quickly enough.

When a woman doesn’t respond to my text, I’ll wait a bit (mirroring her space if she needs it)and send something along the lines of, “Hey, is everything alright?”. I may throw in some fun twist such as, “Hey, is everything alright? I never heard back from you and was starting to worry that you had gotten kidnapped or something”. If she’s already been responsive, I’ll usually just make some little joke about her lack of response, an example of which I give below. Once again, as long as you had some sort of connection she’ll usually respond with an apology and the reason behind her lack of reply.

Once again, sometimes a girl will just fall off the map – it happens. If you’re doing everything right though, you should be going on dates with a very solid majority of numbers that you get. For those minority of girls who disappear, after I send my, “is everything alright” text, I’m sure to give them the space they’re requesting and not text them again. It’s not uncommon for those girls to get back to me a month or two later with an explanation of what happened – usually an ex or a super-busy professional life – and an offer to get together. If you show poor social intelligence and ignore her silent requests for space, then you’ll never get these month-later texts.

 

With these rules in mind, here are some examples of my texts that illustrate them. The most common responses guys have to my texts is “that’s it?”, and, “that looks so simple”, and when you’re not over-complicating things it really is simple. These examples aren’t meant to show off or share some ‘secret tricks’ that I use, but merely to demonstrate how simple and easy this really should be, and that it’s only our limiting beliefs that makes it so difficult sometimes.

 

This quick interaction is an example of when she was already going to be in my neighborhood, so I killed the slow drip and took care of logistics as quickly as possible:

Me: Great meeting you tonight. Get home safe love 3:01 AM

Amazing Girl: Thanks doll 3:01 AM

Amazing Girl: Actually, right next door eating pizza 3:02 AM

Me: Lol, I may have to stop and say hi 3:02 AM

Amazing Girl: Come 3:03 AM

Me: I’m not going to lie, I was a little hungover today. You up to anything fun? 4:32 PM (Sharing my experience, asking about hers)

Amazing Girl: That’s a bummer ;(( I feel great. I’m showing my friend (who I had met the night before, and who also turned out to be a fellow dating coach) around the city and doing a little shopping. 4:35 PM

Me: It’s fine, I’m over it. And that’s fun to do that kind of stuff while she’s in town. You girls going out again tonight? 4:39 PM (Keeping the interaction positive, whining is never attractive, and empathizing with her situation. It’s still the weekend so I’m seeing if that first logistic of approximate date can be today.)

Me: And you’re not near nolita (a popular shopping neighborhood in NYC) by any chance are you? 4:40 PM (I also realize that if she’s doing shopping stuff there’s already a good chance she’s already near me, so I inquire about the logistic of approximate location. Also, I’ve heard dating advice along the lines of: Don’t send two texts in a row! This is silly, two texts are fine if it’s the continuation of a thought, just don’t overdo it)

Amazing Girl: Not sure.. We might in Brooklyn… Have my aunt coming into town tonight to hang out. 4:41 PM

Amazing Girl: Not in nolita, but that should be our next stop. In maybe an hour. 4:41 PM

Me: Awesome on both accounts. I live right next door in chinatown, we should grab a drink when you guys get here after you’ve hit all the stores you want to hit 4:46 PM (Once again a slight touch of empathizing, and then since I didn’t actually confirm that I wanted to see her yet I have to do that now. All logistics are now handled except for one more…)

Amazing Girl: Sounds good ) 4:47 PM

Me: Let me know when you’re ready for that drink and I’ll pick a place 4:51 PM (It’s more fun for everyone if there’s a little mystery involved. Of course if she asked I’d let her know, but her plans could always change so it’s still best to be flexible)

Amazing Girl: Ok 4:52 PM

Amazing Girl: Want to meet up still? 6:44 PM (A little late, but she’s a girl, and she was shopping – you’ve got to let these things slide)

Me: Of course. Let’s meet at Spring Lounge on Spring and Mulberry, I’ll leave my place soon 6:47 PM (Final logistic settled)

Amazing Girl: Ok 6:49 PM (Date is on!)

 

This next interaction is about as close to the “norm” as it gets for me, I chose to include because I wanted to give you plenty of examples of what I do ninety nine percent of the time when I text – ie, having a normal conversation. At a certain point I’ll stop explaining what I’m doing in each text because it’ll just become too repetitive. You can also see that she didn’t mind getting more conversational via text, so of course I responded in kind.

Me: Great to meet you tonight doll, hope you had a good rest of the night 2:09 AM

Wonderful Woman: Nice meeting you too 11:54 AM

Me: Hey cutie, how’s your Saturday going so far? 5:34 PM (Just showing I’m curious about her day)

Wonderful Woman: Heyy, it’s good, just went to brunch and walked around the village. What about you ? 7:20 PM

Me: That sounds nice, especially in this weather. I grabbed brunch with my friends and we hung out around the city 9:47 PM (Empathizing, sharing some of my experience)

Me: You going out again tonight? 9:47 PM (It’s still the weekend, and I’m curious about that first logistic)

Wonderful Woman: Yea going out for a bit now what about you 11:09 PM

Me: Out for drinks with my friend. What neighborhood are you guys in? 11:54 PM (On to the next logistic)

Wonderful Woman: We are in west village , what about you 12:47 AM

Me: Hey, I was super tired and ended up going home to pass out pretty early. How was the rest of your night? 3:11 PM (Things didn’t exactly work out that night, so it’s an explanation of my disappearance and more of the same)

Wonderful Woman: It was fun, just went to houston hall for a bit 3:57 PM

Me: I haven’t been there yet but it looks cool. Did you do anything fun today? 6:20 PM (I didn’t delay this response on purpose or anything, in fact it probably would have been better if I had replied a bit sooner. It just happened to be the case that I was exhausted after finishing a clinic that weekend and had just woken up from a nap)

Wonderful Woman: My mom and sister were over, so just went to brunch w them. What about you 7:58 PM

Me: Nice, where’d you go? I just had brunch with my friends at coffee shop 8:41 PM

Wonderful Woman: Sounds fun. We went to extra virgin 8:51 PM

Me: I’ve never been but it sounds good on yelp. Did you get the french toast? 9:06 PM (I mean we all have the internet – I’m just showing that I’m interested in what she did that day)

Wonderful Woman: I didn’t, but I totally regretted it. It looked really amazing. Def get if if you go! 9:09 PM

Me: I don’t know, the basque scramble is calling my name. And I’m busy on Monday, but are you free to grab a drink this Tuesday by any chance? 11:11 PM (Back to the first logistic)

Wonderful Woman: Hey, I have dinner plans Tom night, but I could do something later on in the week 10:05 AM

Me: Nice, where’s dinner? And how does Thursday work for you? 1:38 PM

Me: And how’s your Monday going so far? (Despite being rainy) 1:39 PM

Wonderful Woman: Thurs could work. Monday is ok, going slow as usual. What about you 5:01 PM

Me: Pretty exciting even though I was trying to take it easy. 7:43 PM

Me: And is there a day that could work better for you than Thursday? 7:44 PM (It’s up to you to nail down the logistics – don’t be afraid to push further if she gives you a less-than-helpful answer)

Wonderful Woman: Exciting Monday? Thursday is good for me 9:14 PM

Me: It was between a meeting at noon, talking with my grandmother for her birthday, holding a conference call, and attending a bi-weekly meditation group 11:15 PM

Me: And that’s on top of the usual work I had. What does slow as usual entail? And I look forward to Thursday 11:16 PM (Notice how I confirm that first logistic amid the usual)

Wonderful Woman: Sounds like a busy day. What Do you usually write for? Mondays for me always are tough after coming back from the wknd 12:12 PM

Me: It is, and it doesn’t slow down today. Right now my writing efforts are going toward a a book, and yeah, I’m still dragging from my friends being in town 3:10 PM

Me: Got anything exciting going on today? 3:11 PM

Wonderful Woman: Oh that’s nice. What kind of book is it? Just going to dinner later in Les. What about you ? 6:37 PM

Me: It’s a book on socializing and communicating effectively. I actually just got done giving a presentation in times square. Where’d you go for dinner? 11:23 PM

Wonderful Woman: Oh wow that sounds really cool. I went to sauce in the Les 11:34 PM

Me: It was fun, but I’m still tired. And I love sauce, their meatballs are the best. What neighborhood do you live in again? 11:52 PM (Starting to inquire about the next logistic)

Wonderful Woman: I live in the village. What about you? 11:07 AM (The next day)

Me: Just down in chinatown, which should make picking a place between us for drinks easy. Btw, I’m loving this weather 4:36 PM

Wonderful Woman: That’s nice. I havnt been outside since 7 but I hear its nice ! 6:51 PM

Me: Well I hope it was still pretty warm when you left. What time do you get free tomorrow? 9:09 PM (Logistics logistics logistics)

Wonderful Woman: I’m hoping to be out by around 7 ish. When are you free? 10:22 PM

Me: I should be free by 8, let’s plan on meeting up around then 1:36 AM

Wonderful Woman: 8 might be a little too early. I can do around 9 if that works 11:39 AM

Me: 9 is perfect. Have you been to the Red Bench on Sullivan? 2:27 PM

Wonderful Woman: Never been, that’s Fine though. I hate to be a square but I can’t stay out too long bc I have to get up at 6 Tom :/ 3:05 PM

Me: That’s no problem, we’re just having drinks. We’ll do something more exciting on our second date 4:42 PM (You wouldn’t have taken this as some sort of bad sign and let it throw you off right?)

Me: And it should be illegal to make a person wake up that early 5:16 PM

Wonderful Woman: Haha I promised a friend I will go to the gym w her 5:17 PM

Me: That’s not a real friend. Who does that? 5:23 PM

Wonderful Woman: I’ve been trying to go in the morning lately but it’s really hard 5:25 PM

Me: Lunchtime or after work is the way to do it. I’ve tried early before and while it may sound good in theory you’re guaranteed to quit because it sucks 5:30 PM

Wonderful Woman: I’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks so we’ll see how it goes 5:46 PM

Me: That’s impressive. I’ll try not to keep you out too late tonight 6:27 PM (Throwing on a light sexual tone, once again just to express my excitement to see her again)

 

This last example was chose because it contains not one, but two examples of the girl not responding to my text – not because she wasn’t interested in seeing me but just because of natural circumstances. Once again, how would you have reacted to the situation?

Me: Hey you, how’s not doing anything going today? 4:38 PM

Incredible Girl: Not doing anything?! I’ve been on the go since 10 am and will be out until midnight! Funemployment is busy! How are you today? 4:39 PM

Me: Really?! What are you doing that’s taking up 14 hours of your day? 4:43 PM

Me: And I’m having a pretty great day. Did some yoga, wrote a new article, other productive stuff 4:43 PM

Incredible Girl: Nice! Work, exercise, personal, work again 6:16 PM

Incredible Girl: 14 hours goes fast! 6:16 PM

Me: Man, with such a descriptive reply I feel like I’m walking in your shoes Hope everything goes well 8:53 PM

Incredible Girl: Haha, nothing exciting enough for a narrative. Some good work advice though, happy to share sometime! See you soon? 10:55 PM

Me: I look forward to hearing it. And do you want to go for a walk in central park? 12:16 AM

Me: That unappealing huh? And here I thought a walk in the park sounded wonderful 6:36 PM (Here’s the little joke I mentioned above. I blamed her lack of response on her feelings about the park, which is clearly silly. Also keep in mind that her lack of response may also had a little to do with the fact that I mistakenly got the order of my logistics wrong – did you catch it?)

Incredible Girl: Oh man, nick. Sorry, such a faux pas, I read your text and forgot to respond. Yes a walk sounds lovely!! When? 6:49 PM

Me: I figured it had to be something. Everyone loves the park. How does Saturday afternoon work for you? 7:53 PM

Incredible Girl: Probably well. Depends on weather but looks like it should be clear. 8:24 PM

Me: I like how proactive you in checking the weather. How about we plan on Sat afternoon and I’ll just have an alternate activity planned in case the weather sucks 8:42 PM

Incredible Girl: Ok! Sounds fun! 10:07 PM

Me: Oh it’s going to be fun and a half. How’s your Friday going? 3:14 PM

Incredible Girl: So far so good! I went to the Picasso show at the Guggenheim and it was AMAZING. Have you seen it? How’s your day going? 4:33 PM

Me: Damn! I haven’t been to the Guggenheim yet and it was actually on the list of potential indoor activities for tomorrow. Why do you have to be so cultured? 6:07 PM

Me: How was it? And I saw ‘Flight’ and got some work done so it was good. It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow, should we brave the cold at the park? 6:08 PM

(Mirroring her space)

Incredible Girl: Haha, sorry for the delay. I forgot my phone charger. Let’s meet tomorrow around 2:30? 2:13 AM

Incredible Girl: We could also do highline. 11:50 AM

Me: Hey, 2:30 sounds great. And good call on the highline – closer to us, more to do around it, and less of an outdoor commitment on a cold day 11:56 AM

Me: Meet at the beginning? 11:56 AM

Incredible Girl: Great. By the standard? 11:56 AM

Me: Yep, hopefully we can see some naked people 11:57 AM (For the tourist – The Standard Hotel in Meatpacking is famous for people “getting amorous” in broad daylight in the many widows that are very visible from the park below. It’s the first thing a lot of people think of when they think of the hotel, so my comment is far from inappropriate.)

Incredible Girl: III bring my binoculars! 12:17 PM

Me: Just got in a cab, be there soon 2:33 PM

Incredible Girl: Ok I’m on Washington and gansevoort 2:39 PM

 

Once again, going from a number to a date shouldn’t be this confusing ordeal – it’s really quite simple. Stop making it more complicated than it needs to be and getting in your own way. There’s no need to win her over again to the point where she makes the first move, simply show her you’re genuinely interested in her, respect her texting preferences without taking it personally, and take care of those logistics.

This isn’t a girl that needs to be won over – you’re simply two people who like each other and want to see each other again. It’s just your job to make that happen.

(Nick) Wow wow wow, this is the reason I created the “Community Submitted Articles” section of my forum, so that incredible insights such as this one have a chance to shine. Enjoy this perfect analogy on what happens when you don’t allow an interaction to follow its natural path and how to handle the situation when it does. And if you have any thoughts that you’d like to share, please don’t hesitate to do so in the link above.

Author: uhmdown; Link to Original Post 

I work in the field of Computer Science, and there’s this concept often understood as  ”Undefined Behavior”.

It refers to erratic, deviating behavior of a piece of software, behavior that doesn’t appear to follow any simple rules, as a result of you having (intentionally or unintentionally) provoked a glitch in the software.

Once you’ve seen the glitch, you can no longer be sure of what pranks the software will pull on you. Its locked in a weird state, and the safest bet is to restart it, or to switch to a different more reliable program.

This dynamic has some peculiar and remarkable similarities to social interactions.

It might sound like an outdated joke to you, but I’m about to draw parallels to what happens when a man and a woman are having social interaction that might or might not turn sexual, but then “suddenly becomes all glitchy”.

Guys who struggle with women typically see women as doing mysterious stuff:
She becomes flakey, she shows increasing interest but suddenly goes cold, she becomes weird or super shy, etc etc.

What follows is the guys frantic attempt to figure out what the hell is going on, in order to try to turn it around. Just like when you provoke a glitch in a piece of software that then starts acting weird, you can provoke a glitch in the interaction you’re having with a woman, after which she will start acting weird. The glitch here is the guy not taking the lead.

In essence, when the guy does not take the next natural step, whether it be physical touch, kiss, stuff like that, he’s essentially provoking a glitch in the interaction. The interaction is no longer following its natural path, the woman notices this and will react in a range of different ways in order to protect herself, all depending on her emotional state, her personality, her confidence or self-esteem, and a million other things.

But just like you don’t try to figure out how and why a software glitch is playing out the way it does, understanding what happens in the woman’s head after you “glitch out” in a social interaction has no real value in the context of getting sexual. All that really matters is that you glitched out.

It’s certainly possible to diagnose what happens after the glitch. But in computer science, you need to be a bit of an expert, and likewise with a woman you need to be a shrink. Maybe with a trace of autism and cheat sheets written all over your arm. And even then, you won’t be able to work it out 100%, and further still, it will only have real value if you intend to write an academic paper about it.

Because the fact is, that it’s way complex what follows after the glitch; it depends on so so many unknown factors. Hence, “undefined” behavior.

The point I’m trying to stumble towards is that once you can identify her behavior as “undefined”, it should be easier for you to refrain from taking on the impossible challenge of trying to analyze the shit out of her behavior  and instead, figure out what the glitch is, and who caused it.

Often times, you’ll find that the cause is really simple. Such as “you didn’t take the lead and take the next step”, or “someone misunderstood what the other was saying as something offensive”, or some other basic thing. Once you find it, you’ll be able to decide whether or not its something you can fix, or whether you should cut your losses and move on.

Before I complete this article, let me make two final observation.

1.
Naturally, its possible make a more general case out of this. Any interaction has a wide range of “normal” courses it can follow, whether it be a chat with your neighbor, a discussion with a friend, or a hot date with a potential girlfriend.

2.

In order to detect that the interaction with a woman is moving into “undefined” territory, you need to have some basic understanding of what “normal” courses an interaction can take.
Thankfully, Nicks articles provide us guys with plenty of awesome guidance to that end.

His “Moment of Truth” book excerpt is a great example of this.
http://www.sparksofattraction.com/book-excerpt-mastering-the-moment-of-truth/

Communicating your sexuality through the vibe of the interaction and physically are by far the two most important ways that you must express your desire. After this though, your words do make a difference and in some cases, are necessary to “get the job done”. As in the previous chapter, this chapter will provide examples of how I express my desire verbally and shouldn’t be thought of as some step by step system, but no matter what my sexual energy combined with my personality sounds like, all the examples of ways that I say, “I like you too” with my words.

Many guys make the mistake of thinking about communicating sexuality verbally in terms of how they can turn on a woman with their words. This once again harkens back to the “winning her over” mindset. Remember that your goal isn’t to try to turn her on, but to express to her that she’s turning you on, which is what actually makes her feel that sexual desire for you as I describe in Chapter 14. Just like with everything else in Part 3 of this book, your words must stem from the feeling of your sexual energy as you say them, otherwise they’ll lack power and authenticity.

 

• Compliments

The oldest form of expressing your attraction verbally (other than some sexual grunts), compliments have gotten a bad rap in the world of dating advice. I’ve heard that you shouldn’t compliment women because they’re so used to being bombarded by compliments from men that they’ve grown tired of them and you’ll just be considered another boring guy if you do it.

True, plenty of guys have gotten less than positive responses when attempting to give a compliment, and these experiences have given some credence to the above advice. The thing is though, as I mentioned in Chapter 5, the reason why our compliments can receive mixed reactions is because we’ve abused them to the point of women being unable to trust us when we give them.

By “abused”, I mean that men have misused compliments, not to express genuine appreciation over something she did, but rather to try to get a positive reaction out of a woman if he’s not getting one already. In this way, the compliment isn’t an honest one, but one who’s purpose is to attempt to manipulate her emotions to give him his desired response. When looking at the reality of the situation, is it any wonder that these “compliments” will turn a woman off after she’s ‘fallen for it’ the first couple times in her life.

Instead, if a compliment reflects genuine feelings of appreciation and when she’s done something to deserve that appreciation than she will most likely react to it by lighting up like a Christmas tree, maybe with a little blushing as a bonus. For example, if she smiles politely but disingenuously and you say, “you have a nice smile”, then it’s kind of bs and she probably won’t respond very well. If, on the other hand she smile brightly and genuinely and you say, “I love your smile, it makes me happy”, then it’s a genuine compliment brought on by the real emotion that you’re feeling then she’ll probably blush and smile even more adorably than before. If you calmly say, “that’s awesome” before launching into whatever you wanted to say next she won’t actually believe that you think that whatever she said was awesome. If you say, “I think that’s really cool” while genuinely feeling impressed and looking her in the eye with an expression that communicates that feeling then she will smile and want to talk even more about whatever you’re genuinely interested in.

 

• Getting a Phone Number

This is another one that guys often abuse. They treat it as a trophy, trying to rack up as many numbers as possible as a way to gauge how well they’re doing with women, often wondering why most of those numbers never turn into dates.

Getting a phone number shouldn’t be a goal or a trophy, it’s merely a way of telling a woman that you’re interested in her and want to spend more time getting to know her. If she’s not getting that vibe from you, it doesn’t matter if she gives you her number or not, she probably won’t want to talk to you again.

On the flip side, too many guys hesitate to ask for her number, thinking they need more signals from her that she’s interested (read: waiting for her to make the first move), meanwhile the woman just assumes that they’re not that interested in her and don’t want to see her again. Just as they wonder when you’ll approach them, women will sit there wondering if and when you’ll ask for her number, whether or not you’re interested in seeing them again.

If you’re talking to a girl at the bar, and there’s an awkward pause, and then she says she needs to get going, and then another awkward pause, and then an awkward goodbye, many guys will interpret this as “well, I got awkward, she lost interest and shot me down”, when from the woman’s point of view it went: “he didn’t ask for my number, so he wasn’t that into me”. If you’re talking to two girls and the one you’ve been communicating with more platonically excuses herself to close her tab or for any other reason to leave you alone with her friend with whom you have more sexual chemistry, they’re both expecting that you take her number while she’s gone if you’re interested in seeing her again.

To illustrate this point, one time I was eating in Whole Foods and got talking with a brunette girl who worked at the YMCA downstairs. Now I was in a committed relationship at this point and wasn’t interested in anything more than conversation, but we were having a very nice conversation and I could that she was opening up and starting to get interested in me. As I was getting ready to leave, I could feel that moment of when I either ask for the number or not fall over the conversation, and I could feel her curious disappointment as I said goodbye without going for it. Because I didn’t want her running back to Cosmo to try to figure our what she did wrong, after throwing out my trash I went back to the table and let her know that I didn’t get her number because I was in a relationship but otherwise would have. She smiled and thanked me and said she was wondering if that was the case, but she couldn’t be sure.

On one hand it says a lot. I’ve had girls unwilling to kiss me because they though I was just interested in a one night stand, but after taking her phone number to show her that I really was interested in seeing her again things heated up physically in a hurry.

On the other hand, it’s never over-the-top or inappropriate. If you’re talking to a girl during the daytime, or maybe to a waitress at a restaurant, where it’s inappropriate to test her interests physically and she’s not comfortable flirting or doesn’t know how; when she’s being friendly but you’re not sure if she likes you or is just being friendly or is just doing her job, then you can just go for the number. As long as you ask for the number while communicating your sexual desire then her response will let you know immediately how she feels about you. If she’s interested, everybody wins, if not then no harm no foul. As I mentioned I’ve gotten plenty of free drinks from bartenders after previously asking for their number. The best part though is that you’ll never be left wondering what could have been.

When it comes to the phone number, your job is to make the awkward exchange happen and to do it as smoothly as possible. In order to accomplish this, I simply say some variation of, “I like talking to you, we should do it again” or “This is nice, we should hang out sometime”. You’re basically just saying what the phone number says, “I want to see you again”. As I’m saying this I’m already reaching for my phone, because if she agrees (and if I’ve been reading her signals at all correctly she probably will unless, as in my case, she’s seeing someone or something like that) then she’s thereby saying she would like to exchange numbers. By agreeing that she would like to see me again, she’s agreeing to the logistical legwork necessary to make that happen. So after she agrees, either with a nod, a smile, or a verbal agreement, I pull up my phone app, take her number, and then hit “call” so she has my number as well.

 

• Hypothetical Situations

Sometimes it may be inappropriate to express your sexual desire. Maybe you’re in a very public situation, maybe you work together, maybe it crosses a boundary that she’s not ready to cross just yet. In these situations, creating a hypothetical situation in which these desires would be acceptable allows you to bring them and the sexual stimulation they provide to an interaction without being culpable for the inappropriateness of it.

For example, if you’re getting closer to a woman but you’re not sure if she is ready to kiss you yet, you can say, “if we didn’t just meet each other then I would kiss you right now”. What you’re saying is, “I would never kiss you right now, but if we lived in an alternate reality that doesn’t exist then I would kiss you”. This statement allows you to bring the subject of kissing in the interaction along with the thoughts and sexual energy that comes with it without being responsible for the words because we don’t live in an alternate reality. If she responds positively, then you know she wants to kiss you. If she’s taken aback and says, “whoa, slow down, I’m not ready to kiss you”, then you can reply, “whoa, I just said I would never kiss you right now, I mean we just met, slow down.” Of course you say this while maintaining the closeness, strong sexual vibe, and a smile that say you just caught my hand in the cookie jar but can’t do anything about it.

Perhaps you’ve been flirting with a girl at work but aren’t sure if she wants it to be anything more. You can say, “you know, if I didn’t have this policy against dating coworkers I’d definitely take you out for drinks tonight”. This allows you to basically ask her on the date while allowing you to say, “like I said, I’d never date a coworker” if she takes issue. Also take notice of the confidence displayed in both examples. Instead of saying, “I’d try to kiss you” or “I’d ask you out tonight”, you’re saying, “I’d kiss you” and “I’d definitely take you out”. Once again, hypothetical world, who’s to say what can and can’t happen.

Final example, out on a date and she’s shy about expressing her physical boundaries. You can say, “if this wasn’t a first date, I’d be all over you right now” (after she opens up, of course). If she smiles then you should be getting closer and touching more and be anticipating some lip action (yes, I said “lip action”). If she appears uncomfortable then you can joke about how “if this was the fourth or fifth date you’d think about holding her hand but of course this is only the first” while touching her hand as you say this.

 

• Blaming Her

Once again, if you’re gradually expressing more sexual interest as she opens up, as long as you respect her boundaries, then you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do and definitely not doing anything inappropriate. This next example vocalizes this fact if and when she tries to act inappropriately offended (usually in a playful way) to your advancements.

If a woman has been opening up and I touch her lower back and she tries to call me out on being too touchy, instead of getting defensive and feeling shame about my actions, I’ll “blame her” and say that it’s her fault, she way seducing me and I just felt drawn to her. You say this with the same sexual vibe and “kid in the cookie-jar” smile as before, and it helps that it’s true.

If a woman says, “stop looking at me like that”, I’ll reply, “You’re the one looking at me like that! I’m just trying to have a nice conversation with you but you keep giving me those sexy eyes” – all the while fully knowing that I was giving her those sexy eyes. Once again though, she can’t call you out on it, cookie-jar smile applies.

If I’m close to a woman and go to kiss her and she turns her cheek while trying to call me out on being to forward, I’ll say that it’s unfair of her to seduce me like that and expect me to act any differently. I may even throw out some variation of “I’m just a man, I’m powerless against those feminine charms of yours”. The compliment might even get her to start throwing out more feminine charms.

 

• Speaking About Sex/Innuendo Seriously

When the topic of sexuality arises in a conversation, a natural tension will arise over the interaction as well. Many times we look to diffuse this tension through humor or making some joke, but as I’ve already stated, a woman wants a man who can hold that tension without flinching. A woman will often make a sexual joke or allusion, and although she’s probably not testing you purposefully, you will be judged on how you respond.

If she makes a joke about threesomes, sure, it’s ok to laugh at her joke, but if you become uncomfortable and try to make a bad joke or change the topic, she’ll know that the topic of sex is one you’re uncomfortable with and she won’t feel comfortable proceeding further down that road with you. If you instead treat the topic seriously, approaching it with emotional listening and asking deeper questions, “have you ever been in a threesome? Why or why not?” then you’ll demonstrate that despite the awkwardness surrounding the topic in our society, you’re comfortable with that tension and she can trust going there with you more.

It’s the same as sexual innuendo, which also raises the tension of an interaction. As I mentioned, when you’re connected to your sexual energy and feeling sexual, the words that pop into your mind to use will naturally be more sexual in nature. When you’re feeling sexual and speaking in a slower, more sexual tone, your communication will necessarily be laden with more sexual innuendo. If you try to force the innuendo by over-thinking, or chuckle it off with an over-the-top, nudge nudge, “huh huh, get it” then your attempt will come off as forced and awkward.

Instead, as you catch yourself using words that possess more innuendo, hold the eye contact, possibly let a little bit more of a sexual tone creep into your voice, but pause and keep a straight face. What you’re trying to do is to get her to take the bait. If she tries to call you out on being sexual or using innuendo, you can innocently reply, “What are you talking about? I was just talking about ballpark franks. You really have a dirty mind.” Sexual cookie jar smile engaged.

One note about speaking explicitly about more sexual topics: I’ll wait for her to go there first. If she introduces a topic or we go there physically I’ll be as explicit as I possibly can be on that topic (which is pretty explicit). If she tries to call you out you can just blame her for taking the conversation there. As I mentioned when I discussed getting a phone number, it’s your job to make this entire sexual process flow as smoothly as possible. The more subtly and suggestively you can introduce sexuality to the interaction through the tone, touch, or words I highlight in Part 3 of this this book, the more charming and sexy you’ll appear.

 

Sexual communication must, nine times out of ten, start with you. It starts and end with the sexual feelings in your body. The second you disconnect from them and jump back into your head is the second you lose the interaction. That feeling must be communicated most importantly through your tone, expression, and look in your eye – otherwise known as flirting – and then through your desire to be close to her and by expressing that desire verbally. If you don’t, then nine times out of ten when she doesn’t make the move for you you’ll be wondering what could have been. Do so subtly at first, leaving yourself free from any negative consequence, and then continue to turn up the heat until you find her barriers at the moment.

It couldn’t be more simple, yet taking these actions when you’re not used to doing so with a girl who really makes you nervous couldn’t feel anymore awkward and unnatural. Try dancing Salsa for the first time and those steps will feel equally unnatural. As when learning any new skill though, you have to force yourself to awkwardly take the steps at first in order to learn to do it well. Although forcing yourself to get sexual when your brain is screaming every excuse why your shouldn’t and your muscles are freezing up can be difficult, you just have to “jump out of the plane” and force yourself to take an action that couldn’t feel any more unnatural at the time, whether that be feeling your desire and communicating it instead of being in your head, getting closer to her, or asking for her number. Luckily, the positive responses you’ll begin to get from women who are tired of guys who are too afraid to make any move at all will change the thoughts and feelings you associate with these actions and after a month or two they’ll start feeling as natural as breathing.

Every human being is entitled to express his or her desire as long as that expression doesn’t abuse anyone else. If you’re repressing the natural sexuality in your communication with others, then you’re completely ignoring a major aspect of human interaction and the underlying frustrations you’ve experienced have let you know that something was missing. It’s time to remove the layers of fear and shame surrounding this God-given part of ourselves and start expressing ourselves the way that nature intended. It’s time for you to start letting the women in your life know they can feel comfortable sharing their sexuality with you by having the courage to share your own. I’ve given you the tools, it’s time for you to take the first steps forward.

After the vibe, the next most important means of expressing your sexual desire is physically. When we’re attracted to someone, feeling that desire in our bodies and expressing it through flirting, you will naturally feel your bodies drawn toward each other. When sexuality is being communicated, every time you touch it feels amazing for both parties, kicking up the typical power of touch up to another level. It feels like your body is wrapped in a blanket of awesomeness when you can feel her next to yours in that moment, and to be just a half-inch away from her feels incredibly sexy, building the tension before you touch again.

Physical communication of sexuality is simply the expression of you’re body’s natural desire to be on hers (as hers is to be on yours). It’s simply allowing yourself to express that natural desire and begin feeling your body against hers in a way that feels great for both of you.

In the rest of this chapter I will give examples of the ways that I express my sexual desire physically, actions that I’ve found myself taking in the moments I’ve found myself attracted to a woman that feel the best for both of us. While these are the same actions we have our clients practice with our female assistants, it’s important to note, as I always do with the clients, that these actions aren’t meant to be thought of as any step by step instruction or complete method or anything like that. While these actions are simply my sexual desire combined with my own personality, they are merely meant to serve as a guide as you as you develop your own unique sexual expression. Although it’ll be driven by the same basic principle of wanting to feel your body against hers, once you’ve developed your own expression of physical desire it may share a “move” or two with mine, but it’ll look very different in a way that feels best for you.

It’s also important that your physical expressions of sexuality should start more on the inconspicuous side, sending the necessary message yet not being so strong that you face negative consequence. If a woman responds well to these “lighter” expressions of your desire, then she’s indicating that you may get a little stronger with your touching without negative consequence. Flirting is obviously the most inconspicuous means of expressing this desire, wonderful for just about any occasion. I’ll now list my physical expressions of desire, including the “lighter” expressions – which should be used earlier, moreso to gauge her interest, especially when she isn’t comfortable with flirting or doesn’t know how – to the stronger expressions which really ramp up the heat. These actions may all occur the first time you meet someone, or may play out over the course of one or even two dates depending on her comfort with physical intimacy.

 

• Talking in Her Ear

After reading about physical polarity in Chapter 9, you should already be leaning in close to speak to someone in a loud environment. As with everything else in part two of this book, physical polarity is something that you normally do with friends with whom you’re comfortable that you can also do interactions that normally make you more stiff in order to recreate that same feeling of familiarity with a stranger.

If you take the normal distance you lean in to talk to friends comfortably, and now move about two inches closer to her, the feeling of the interaction takes a very different turn. The proper distance on this should find your cheek barely brushing up against her ear, facing a bit toward her so that your lips are millimeters away from the back of her neck. In this position you can easily smell her, which simultaneously turns both of you on, and when you speak the feeling of your breath on the back of her neck will send shivers down her spine.

It may only be two inches, but those inches make a world of difference in terms of feeling. Two inches farther away and it’s the comfortable platonic distance. Two inches closer and sexual energy explodes through both of your bodies.

The best part about these two inches is that no one can call you out for doing it on purpose, you were just leaning in as you normally do with everyone and just so happened to overshoot your landing this time. Whether it was an accident or not though, the feelings that this physical intimacy necessarily creates are very real, and it’ll immediately turn up the sexual intensity in the interaction, telling you you should get closer, or her discomfort with the additional energy will let you know that she’s just not interested in that way, and you’ll know to hold two inches back at a platonic distance when speaking to her for the time being.

 

• Hand Flirting

Despite being considered a more juvenile means of expressing physical attraction, holding hands is sexy. There’s a lot of energy carried in our hands, and while it may not be as intense as the feeling when talking in the ear described above, when your hands touch the hands of a person to whom you’re attracted you’ll both feel a nice warm charge running through your bodies. Also, the palm is a vulnerable area of the body, when we open our palm to another person it’s an expression of trust and intimacy.

As I’m leaning in and talking in her ear, I’ll let the back of my hand graze the back of her’s, creating a tingle through our bodies. You should have already been ‘hand checking’ so this contact shouldn’t be a huge step forward. Just like the additional two inches, no one can be sure if that graze was on purpose or an accident (and plenty of times it was a happy accident) and her reaction will let you know how to proceed. If she pulls her hand away there will be no more grazing, but if she stays with you then you know she’d like some more hand action.

The next time I lean in I’ll let her know for sure the the first time was no accident. I’ll start to ‘hook’ my fingers around hers; maybe my index finger around her pinky, maybe my pinky around her index finger. If she starts to wrap her fingers around mine than I play with them for a few moments before holding hands and it’s sexy. If she doesn’t wrap her fingers (yet she still doesn’t pull away) then I’ll take her hand more definitively the next time I lean in.

 

• The Lower Back / Hip

Touching a woman on her lower back and hip gives you a strong, masculine feeling and makes her feel taken care of – plus it’s very sexy. Earlier in the interaction as I lean in, I’ll place my hand on her lower back and pull her ever so gently toward me. If she responds well to that, on another lean-in I’ll place a hand on her hip, which is a bit more intimate than the lower back, and once again gently pull her toward me. If she’s facing me and the heat is really turning up in the interaction, I’ll place both of my hands on her hip with the same gently pulling motion.

 

• Hip Contact

As you’re leaning in to talk in her ear, flirt with her hand, and touch her lower back and hip, etc, and pulling back out to give her space and to balance the physical polarity, your overall distance should be getting closer and closer. Your “ins” should get closer each time and your “outs” should be less and less far away. As you’re doing this, you’ll reach a point where you can’t move any closer with your body, where your hips are still connected even when you lean back to listen to what she has to say.

This moment when your bodies are pressed right next to each other is an extremely sexy moment, and the sexual energy should be flowing very strongly between the two of you. You’re projecting a strong sexual vibe with your eyes, face, and mouth which are getting closer and closer to hers. You can smell her and she can feel your breath on the back of her neck as you exchange good sexual feelings between your hands and bodies. At this point it’s almost impossible to stop what’s coming next.

 

• The Kiss

As I mentioned, when your bodies and faces are that close to one another, with the sexual tension mounting, you’d almost have to actively try to stop a kiss from happening, but it’s still your job to do it nine times out of ten.

If you’re still a little gun-shy about going in for the kiss, a good way to get comfortable with getting your lips closer together is going for a cheek-kiss. When you look at her cheek, turn your head and go in from an angle to a spot about an inch away from her lips, it will feel much less awkward than going in for the lips straight away. Of course, ultimately, you want to be able to handle that awkwardness and slowly go for the lips, but going for the cheek provides good training wheels. After you slowly kiss her cheek, let your lips linger near around hers for a moment or three. Many times she’ll kiss you at this point, other times you can keep moving slowly toward her lips and she’ll start kissing you back once your lips touch hers. If she pulls back, you were just kissing her on the cheek, something you do with your grandmother, no harm no foul.

Your first kiss shouldn’t be a long one, and no tongue. Many guys make the mistake of trying to extend the first kiss as long as possible and diffuse all of the sexual tension on the interaction in the process. Your first kiss should be slow, sweet, and short. Take your time feeling the intense levels of sexual energy that course through your body as your lips touch hers. Pucker your lips, not extremely, but make them as soft as possible as you use them to massage her lips. Press your lips against each other letting them divide each other a little. Lightly suck her lip and after one more moment of blissful lip massage pull back a half inch and feel your body tingle in the afterglow. Pull away after a few more moments and continue the interaction with a lot more physical contact as if you were both pulled out of a trance (which it should feel like if you’re doing it right).

If she goes back in for more kissing then indulge for a moment longer before being the one to end it. Making out may feel incredible and could possibly feed your ego a little bit more in that moment, but your goal at first should be to create sexual tension. Of course you have to read the situation. Sometimes there’s so much sexual tension between two people that no amount of making out will diffuse it. While it’s better to err on the side of holding tension since that will always lead to future interactions whereas killing the tension will likely end them – in that moment it’s best to trust your instincts, or at least start to hone them, make mistakes, and see what happens.

Remember once again that the most important aspect of these actions is that they’re coming from the sexual energy inside of you that pulls you toward one another. If you’re touching her hand or back and thinking about exactly how to touch her or what might feel best for her then it will feel awkward if you manage to break through your hesitation and make any move at all. If you’re focused on your own feelings and fearlessly allow yourself to touch her in a way that makes you feel more turned on inside, then it will feel good for both of you.

There is one surefire way to ensure that nothing happens between you and a woman, and that is to never make a move at all. Some women won’t be comfortable flirting with you and communicating in a sexual manner, or they just don’t know how to. When that happens you must initiate some of the more “incidental” touches discussed in this chapter and see how she responds. I’ve had women only mildly reciprocate all of my flirtation only to respond very positively once I got more physically aggressive.

Every woman is different in her comfort with physical intimacy. Many will write you off if you push too far too fast, while others will lose interest if you don’t push far enough. Once a woman shows discomfort and that a boundary has been crossed, pull one step back and continue to play on the “safe” side of it. Until you reach that boundary though, it’s your job as a man to push until you find it, while of course respecting your own.

If you’re not used to taking these actions, then they will feel extremely awkward and unnatural at first. You’ll second guess yourself and wait for the “right time” to do it which never comes. The “right time” is whatever time you choose to make it happen. Like jumping out of an airplane or approaching a woman, you can’t think about it, you just have to jump. Most guys worry about doing it awkwardly, but as I’ve mentioned, women are comically forgiving of the guys who have the guts to go for it and you’ll have so many positive responses that you’ll quickly see that the quality of that particular action doesn’t matter as long as you take it. Plus, doing something poorly is the only way to ever get good at it.

A woman will will always forgive you for pushing too far as long as you respect the boundary once you find it, but she won’t have any patience for a man who’s too afraid to make a move. Women expect us to push things forward, we’re guys. When we don’t then they either start to wonder what’s wrong with us, or what they can do to be more attractive. The secret is to push forward slowly, in increments that are completely acceptable once a previous barrier has been crossed. I’ve met women who didn’t feel comfortable with me touching their lower back or hip until the first date, and I’ve lost women because I didn’t kiss them the first time I met them (either by choice or the rare hesitation). Every woman is different. It’s your job as a guy to push until you find out where she stands. Once you find that boundary, if you’re interested in seeing her more, then you set up a date (as described in upcoming chapters) and then find out where her new boundary is, once again with respect to yours.

Eric was a good-looking guy by all accounts. He had a very strong presence, was a great listener, got comfortable physically with women after our first night working together, and thus got some pretty terrific responses. Women were “lighting up” in conversations with him and for a moment I had to wonder why he needed my help.

Then it became clear. After some of the best responses from women I’d ever seen (including those I get myself) on both Thursday and Friday nights, Eric’s interactions would start to fizzle in five to ten minutes. When he did get a girls number after a seemingly awesome conversation, she would often not respond to his texts. After reading the previous chapter (and the title of this one), you should already have a good idea of where Eric was going wrong.

Eric wasn’t getting sexual. He wasn’t telling women that “he liked them too”, either because sexual communication was repressed in his upbringing, or he had some negative experiences when attempting to get sexual in his adolescence – or both. Because of this, despite a woman being very much attracted to him, she would eventually move on to find a guy that showed her that he was actually attracted to her.

“Sexy Saturday” of the program, the day that spend covering sexual communication, was really a revelation for Eric. After explaining why he was losing these girls and when he had to get sexual as we discussed in the previous chapter, I explained that sexual communication, while having physical and verbal components that I’ll detail in the next two chapters, started and ended with the natural sexual energy that you feel inside of you.

Close your eyes, picture a woman that really turns you on. Imagine her scantily clad, or wearing nothing at all, and doing every sexual thing that your heart could ever desire, fulfilling your every fantasy, your bodies pressed against each others’ in whatever way you want. Seriously, take a moment to close your eyes and imagine this.

Do you feel that swelling of energy in your chest (and other parts of your body)? That tingling sensation that resonates from the top of your head to the tip of your toe? Some people call it “turn on”, others call it “horniness”, I simply call it sexual energy.

When a woman is “opening up”, she has to feel that desire burning through you, resonating in your chest and communicated through your entire body. If you’re focused on feeling that energy and communicating it than your actions will be the “right” ones and she’ll get turned on. If you’re disconnected from that sexual energy, in your head thinking of what to do next or trying to pump yourself up to make a move, then she’ll interpret the tension as awkward more than sexual and wonder if you’re actually into her while you hesitate to do anything. You can’t reason your way out of this bag, you have to trust your instincts.

It’s important to note that this is the same energy that is also referred to as “tension”, “awkwardness”, “anxiety” – all depending on context. No matter how you interpret it, that energy you feel in your chest is the same. Guys often ask me how they can lower their anxiety before talking to girl to make approaching her easier. I always say that you don’t want to lower your level of energy, as this is what creates the spark or sexual tension in the interaction. Instead, you have to learn how to become comfortable with that energy so that you don’t diffuse it in a number of nervous habits and excuses or other sabotaging thought patterns. You have to embrace that energy and learn how to “ride the dragon” – women want men who are comfortable “holding” large amounts of tension or sexual energy while remaining calm. She wants a man who won’t flinch as she unleashes all of her sexual energy, who she can trust to hold the energy for both of them as she lets herself go. If you’re showing that you can’t handle this initial tension and would rather diffuse it then she won’t feel comfortable turning up the heat even further with you.

After working on holding rising levels of sexual tension with a woman without flinching, the next step is communicating this desire. We’ll be covering how to do so through your touch and word in the next two chapters, but most important is setting a sexual vibe.

The most powerful way to communicate your desire and make her feel your sexual energy is through your eyes, facial expression, and tone of your voice. As you feel more sexual in your body, your eyes and facial expression will reflect that, becoming more seductive, and your voice will lower ever so slightly and take on a more seductive tone as well. Note that if you’re trying to “look sexy”, your expression will be as awkward as a fake smile. The expression has to be the one that naturally arises while you look at her while feeling the sexual energy in your body.

In my clinics, I switch back and forth between communicating with a more platonic vibe and a more sexual vibe so my clients can feel the difference that each form of communication creates in their chest. Afterward, I have my clients practice feeling their sexual energy as much as possible and communicating to our female assistants until the ladies can really feel it as well. Take a moment to watch this video in which I demonstrate the difference between platonic and sexual communication, and notice how you feel differently depending on what emotion I’m projecting: (video to come soon)

I can’t stress enough that this is the most important factor in sexual communication. If you physically express your attraction but she can’t “feel” that it’s real, then she’ll often brush off your advances unless she’s just looking for a quick physical connection herself. If you verbally express your attraction but are in your head instead of feeling turned on, then she’ll laugh your words off and tell you to stop kidding around, or that you’re sweet but she doesn’t feel the same way. She has to feel your sexual desire in order to feel turned on by you and to believe that your other advances are genuine.

At the same time as being necessary, communicating in a sexual vibe is often all you need and in some situations, the most attractive way you could communicate your desire. Maybe you’re at a dinner party and you can tell two people are attracted to each other just through something about the way they communicate. Individuals who don’t consider sexual energy wonder what happened, he asks, “what did he do to trigger that attraction?” and feels frustrated that he’s not having those kinds of interactions with women. People who are aware of how sexual energy is communicated in this situation know exactly what’s going on, often before the two people who are communicating sexually know it, and they just smile.

In that Saturday afternoon classroom session, I’ll communicate sexuality while talking about what the guys ate for breakfast. The point is that the specific content of your conversation doesn’t matter. When you are feeling sexual, the words that pop into your mind to use are naturally more sexual in nature and laden with innuendo. When you are in your head the words that come to you are more likely to be analytical.

Flirting, a concept which confuses most people who attempt to define it, is simply communicating with a sexual vibe. At it’s most basic level, it’s acknowledging the natural attraction between the masculine and feminine and having fun with it. At a restaurant, a man can flirt with a waitress, or a waiter can flirt with a female guest without any sort of goal other than making each others’ day a bit more enjoyable. Maybe one or both of you will prefer to leave it at that, or maybe you’ll both be interested in more and will continue a conversation with that more personal tone before a number is exchanged or a drink is gotten after work, but the sexual current that’s run under the conversation will leave no question as to what both of your intentions are.

You can toss around the slightest bit of sexual tone around your workplace. Many men and women use this, and the boost in perceived charisma that comes with it, as a means to having more fun and enjoyable interactions with other office mates who also enjoy a little flirting and in order to give themselves a slight edge to “get ahead” more quickly. Throwing a little out there is also a way to find out which women in the workplace respond positively to it and thus who may be interested in a little more, or who respond with discomfort, at which point you should keep all communication extremely platonic. The best part is that you can give yourself an edge in business and discover possible office romances all while doing so on a level where most people aren’t even consciously aware of what’s going on – just that they feel differently around you.

If you only communicate sexually around the women you’re most attracted to, you’ll do so poorly. Like in France and Latin countries, sexual communication should be a natural part of communication between consenting adults. Flirt with everyone who will let you. Flirt with old ladies, make them smile as they excitedly discuss introducing you to their granddaughter. Can you feel enough sexual energy and communicate it through your eye contact that women who pass you on the sidewalk will forget what they were saying when they catch your gaze? When you make eye contact across a crowded social situation, does the other person feel a spark? Do her friends notice that there’s chemistry between you two even though you’re talking about the most boring topic?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a long way from where I want to be in terms to communicating sexual energy. Right now I’m a kid playing with dynamite, by the time I’m fifty I’ll expect to be able to make a woman orgasm across a crowded room with nothing more than eye contact (mostly joking). The point is that developing, feeling, and communicating your sexual energy is a lifelong process. No matter what made you hold back from doing these things in the past, today is as good of day as any to start flirting. The best part is that when you start throwing a little bit more playful flirtatiousness into your more casual interactions with women you’ll notice an immediate positive difference, and if you start throwing in more intense sexual communication when she opens up then you’ll see a drastic difference. Just remember that it’s not about looking or sounding a certain way, but rather it comes from focusing on the feeling in your body.

As I mentioned in the last chapter, women will be comically forgiving of guys who have the confidence to communicate their desire because there’s so few of us who are comfortable feeling and expressing that desire and taking the interaction to a sexual place. Practice throwing a little flirtatiousness into most of your interactions with women, and when you’re attracted to one who opens up let her feel that sexual furnace as much as you can as you emotionally listen and give her space in the moment of truth – just be sure not to break the tension!