In these kinds of articles I typically never read this introduction and jump straight to the myths to see whether or not I agree with them… For the purposes of this introduction I’m going to do the same.

MYTH #1: We know what flirtation looks like.

Society holds a fairly standard image of what “flirting” looks like. Reflected in the media, we generally agree that when someone is communicating with someone else with strong, fairly obvious sexual intention that this constitutes flirting. The problem though, is that the standard image that we have of flirting is only a fraction of what a confident expression of one’s sexuality can look like.


The standard image of flirtation. Sexy, but unfortunately limiting.

As I say in As You Are, at it’s most basic level, the ability to comfortably communicate sexually simply says, “I’m comfortable with all of myself”. It’s an essential component for socializing as a fully confident adult human being. When we keep our sexuality under wraps until someone we want to flirt with comes along, not only will we flirt awkwardly, but in every other interaction where we hold it back we’ll be giving off the impression that we’re not completely comfortable with all of ourselves no matter how outgoing and self-assured we present ourselves to be.

Happiness is a dynamic feeling. You can think of it on a 1-10 scale: 10 and you’re beaming ear to ear. You can’t stop giggling — your face can’t contain how much happiness you’re feeling. 1 and there’s just a little positive tingling. No one gets the overt impression that you’re in a happy mood but there’s a general positivity radiating off of you.

Same with sadness: 10 and you’re sobbing uncontrollably, 1 and people who know you well can tell there’s a little something off.

We know these feelings. We can identify them. As you’re reading about them it’s not a problem for you to recall the feeling at least a little bit.

On the other hand, most people don’t have the same relationship with their sexual feelings. The standard image we’ve accepted of flirting and acting sexually only represents about a 7-10 on the scale (6 if it’s very covert flirtation). Just like happiness and sadness though, there’s a lot more nuance to sexual expression than that.

When you’re feeling around a 1 on the sexy scale, people may find you sexy, but no one’s going to get the impression that you’re flirting with them. Instead, there’s just a little extra buzz about you — a little more personality in your tonality. This expresses confidence, not only because you’re expressing comfort with all of yourself, but because sexual feelings are so often repressed in our culture. When someone shows comfort with something most people have a hangup with it’s powerful — even though it should be no more difficult than being a little happy or sad on any particular day.

MYTH #2: It’s easier to feel sexual around people you find attractive.

Why isn't he feeling turned on?

Why isn’t he feeling turned on?

A lot of people think that it’s easier for them to get in touch with and express their sexual feelings when they’re around someone they’re attracted to — that this individual will make their feelings flare up more powerfully — and while this certainly happens, often the opposite is true.

As I discuss extensively in my book, when we’re in situations that intimidate us it’s much more difficult to tap into and communicate with our feelings in general. In these situations, it is common for people to either jump into their head and overthink things or start talking too much as a way to avoid these feelings. Feeling asexual when we’re around someone who makes our heart beat faster may seem counter-intuitive at first, but it’s already difficult to stay present with more familiar emotions in uncomfortable situations — the less comfortable we are with our sexual feelings, the more difficult it becomes.

MYTH #3: I can’t flirt with someone I don’t find attractive.

In my book, I advise you to “flirt with everyone”, and I admit, doing so using the standard 6-10 representation of flirtation would be absolutely ridiculous — this is where the fears of coming off as a “slut” or “creep”, or questions about how to flirt with someone you’re not particularly attracted to, come in.

Again, however, at it’s lowest level, sexual expression will only provide a little extra zip to your communication — a little pep in your step. Flirting isn’t something you do to someone, it’s simply embracing the feelings in yourself. Embracing the smallest amount of sexual feeling in your body while interacting with people, both men and women, who don’t intimidate you will help you feel more comfortable and confident expressing your sexuality overall. This will in turn give you a better shot of expressing your sexuality when you’re around someone who does make your heart beat faster.

If you can't flirt with the McPoyles, you can't flirt.

If you can’t flirt with the McPoyles, you can’t flirt.

Still having trouble accessing your sexual feelings around others? Start with just yourself. Think of something that turns you on, touch yourself in a way that feels good, watch some porn if you have to — bring up that feeling in your body and sit with it. Meditate on those feelings for as long as you can and enjoy them. Do this every day and the feeling should get more powerful and you should be able to hold onto it for longer periods of time. As you get more comfortable identifying, holding, and enjoying these feelings you can again attempt to feel just the tiniest bit of them when interacting with people who don’t intimidate you. If you’d like to quicken this process all the way through being a confident sexual being around the people who intimidate you most you can always get coaching.

Your sexuality isn’t dependent on anything outside of yourself. It’s yours, and shouldn’t be held back until you see someone you want to date. It should be listened to, embraced, and expressed regularly. Without it you’ll always feel like something is missing, a level of confidence just out of reach. Adding a missing piece this big affects every part of your life — usually in major ways.

The fact that we’re sexual beings gets thrown around a lot these days, however we were operating under a limited picture of sexual expression. It’s time that we looked at a bigger picture of sexuality, embraced this far-too-neglected and misunderstood part of ourselves, and started acting like the sexy creatures we were born to be.


How many times have you passed by one of these:


Did you realize that these machines have a lot to teach you about improving your dating life? Let me explain:

Typically, when it comes to the claw game, the best prizes are buried. They’re stuffed under other prizes or against the wall and are impossible to get out. You’d go broke trying to get it.

The way to win at the claw game is not to go after the prize you really want, but to go after what’s available. You know, the stuffed animal that’s sitting on top and not pressed up against a bunch of other stuffed animals that would get in the way of the claw.


The more opportunities you take, the more opportunities become available.

Now I’m not saying that the way to ‘win’ in your dating life is to settle for whatever’s available — far from it. The lesson from the claw game is that when you start by taking what’s available, what you truly desire will open up and become available itself.

Similarly in dating, most of us know what we want. We want someone attractive, kind, smart, funny, successful, etc. Often when we want to improve our dating life, we want to go immediately after what we want. Just like the claw game though, there’s a lot of stuff in the way that makes getting what we want essentially impossible:

There’s our insecurities and the fact that the people we really want make them come out even more. There’s typically a difficulty staying present with people and expressing, and almost always trouble expressing sexuality. There’s usually difficulty saying what we’re truly feeling at that moment, if we’re even aware of what it is, instead of checking everything in our head to make sure it’s the “right” thing to say. Sometimes there’s the tendency to look at interactions in terms of what I can get from them, instead of simply enjoying the interaction for its own sake. Blocks, blocks, blocks, blocks, blocks.


She is out of your league… For now at least

Just like the claw game though, there are people available in your life open to socialize with, flirt with, and date. At the bar there’s people keeping to themselves at a table, and there’s people looking to socialize. Even more simple: on Tinder there’s people who swipe left and people who swipe right.

Some people will get frustrated with this, “yeah but that’s not what I really want”. The claw game teaches you how pointless your frustration is — you’re frustrated because what you want is impossible to get at the moment. You have to remove the blocks first. (Or get some help and accelerate the process with live training)

Instead, if one takes what’s available and improves those areas that he’s weaker in (removing the stuff in his way) — being present with people, confident in expressing his sexuality, expressing his feelings with others (strangers, acquaintances, or friends) without hesitation, truly enjoying other people’s company for its own sake — then suddenly he’ll start attracting more women he truly wants and have more opportunities to test that improvement against a tougher challenge. The more opportunities you take, the more opportunities become available.

So take a lesson from the claw game: Stop being frustrated that you don’t have what you want right now, and stop trying to get it — you’ll just end up miserable and broke. Instead, take what’s available, make the most of those relationships and enjoy them fully, and suddenly the opportunities you really want will be there.

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Mateo not only struggled to start conversations, he also felt lost whenever a lull or “awkward silence” fell over any interactions he did manage to get going. He used the same excuse of “not knowing what to say” — when in fact he just wasn’t asking himself the right question.

Mateo was trying to be interesting, trying to fill the silences with whatever he thought she would like the most or what would be the cleverest thing he could say. Once again, it’s better to be interested than interesting. Trying to impress her with the most interesting thing you can say will only make you look desperate and keep you awkwardly in your head instead of holding space and being present in the moment.

Instead of asking himself, “What can I say that will be interesting?” during a pause in conversation, the only question Mateo needed to answer was, “How can I show her I’m interested?” When you reframe the question in the correct light, the answer becomes much clearer.


Every conversation reaches a lull. A topic is introduced, you both chat back and forth for a number of minutes, relating and asking more personal questions, until you reach a point where no one has anything else to say on that conversational thread (this could take 2 minutes or an hour). At this point, someone has to introduce a new topic or “push the conversation forward” in order for it to continue.

You don’t want to be the one to do this too often, otherwise the conversation turns into an interview. She’ll start to contribute less and less while you feel as though you’re doing all of the “work” to keep the interaction going.

At the same time, she shouldn’t be pushing the conversation forward every time, lest she gets the impression that you’re not interested in continuing to talk to her and that she’s doing all of the work.

Mateo thought he was losing conversations because he wasn’t interesting enough — but in reality the women he would speak to lost interest because they didn’t think he was actually interested in them.

Questions such as “So where are you from?” are often spoken of disparagingly in the dating advice industry as something to avoid at all costs for being too boring and common, but they’re the questions that most commonly come out of my mouth. There’s a reason why we have these established go-to’s — questions like “where are you from” are a good way to get to know about someone you just met and show interest in the other person.

The problem comes in when guys just fire them off one after another, not because they’re actually interested in getting to know her better, but because they’re just trying to keep the conversation going as long as possible, hoping to hit on a topic she’ll like. These questions aren’t meant to set you apart — the fact that you’re actually interested in her responses and listening emotionally instead of trying to say the “right” thing will do that.

When I say, “Hey, how’s it going?” it’s not just something I say to get a conversation started, I actually want to know how they’re doing in that moment.

“What are you (guys) up to tonight (today)?” or “how are you enjoying the party?” will usually yield a half-assed response unless you actually care what they’re doing.

If you say, “where are you from?” as a way to elicit information that you can use to continue the conversation then she’ll probably start writing you off as just another typical guy. But if you genuinely enjoy talking about growing up in different parts of the world and want to get to know her better when you ask the same question, then she’ll immediately feel that and know you’re one of the guys that she rarely gets to meet.

Also important: do not to rush to fill those first couple lulls either. This just sends the same message that you don’t actually care about the conversation and are just trying to make it last longer or are desperately trying to meet some agenda. Instead, take a moment or three to emotionally reflect on what was just discussed and possibly share those feelings with her through eye contact before continuing the conversation. You’ll probably be surprised as well, by the number of times she says something else when you give her the space to do so.

You don’t approach conversations with friends with this mindset: “what do I say that they’ll like talking about?” That’s simply another rut your brain has developed to avoid being vulnerable with your feelings. Instead, when you feel your nerves rising in a conversation, simply be present with that excitement and express your genuine interest in the other person.

When you’re with your friend and you actually want to know what’s going on in their life you might say, “so what’s going on with you?” The words don’t matter, all that matters is the feeling that you care. It’s no different with a person you just met. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it just has to be real.

While genuine interest is the catalyst for the interaction to continue, as noted above, it’s still important not to turn the conversation into an interview. If she hasn’t filled in the first or second lull I’ll leave it to her to push the conversation forward the next time.

Letting the silence go can be incredibly nerve wracking when the other person intimidates you, and five seconds can feel like five minutes. You may be afraid the other person will get bored or feel awkward and not want to continue the conversation. In reality, while they’ll certainly feel more tension in the silence, the worst thing you can do is show that it’s too much for you by talking too much or retreating back onto your head.

Instead, remind yourself that it’s not your sole responsibility to make the conversation happen. Hold space for those nervous feelings and embrace them, and look at her, fully comfortable in the silence with a feeling of, “I can’t think of anything to say. I still like talking with you. What are wegoing to do about this?”

If she says, “what?” to break the tension you can always respond with some variation of those feelings. She’ll most likely push the conversation forward if you’ve been in tune with her feelings up to this point whatsoever. If she doesn’t, it happens, no big deal, and it’s time to start thinking about employing the warm goodbye and ending the interaction.

This is precisely where Adam was going wrong. He was incredible at keeping a conversation going — one of the best I’d ever seen. I’m pretty sure there was never a hint of silence in any of his conversations because he always had something to say to fill it in. He was a good listener and had no problem really being interested in other people. The problem was that Adam never allowed her to contribute to the conversation as well, often interrupting her before she was about to say something, and thus he was unwittingly sending the message, “I’m more interested in me than you.”

Adam happens to be blind, and so he couldn’t get the normal visual feedback that lets us know the other person is still ‘with us’. Without that visual feedback he feared that if he wasn’t constantly getting verbal feedback than she would lose interest in the conversation. I had Adam focus on slowing down — holding space for his feelings instead of reacting to them out of fear with more words — and not always pushing the conversation forward after the first or second time he’s done that. He did so, and the first time the woman he was speaking to filled that silence and showed him that he didn’t have to do all the work, it was a game-changer.

Just like Adam and Mateo, you need to relax and take the pressure off yourself. Instead of stressing yourself out over having the right thing to say — whether that fear drives you to silence or blabbing — start asking yourself the right question: “How do I show her I’m interested in who she is and what she has to say?” You’ll be surprised at how easy holding a conversation actually is.



Fantastic questions for this week:


  • How can I stop daydreaming about a girl after I have a good interaction.
  • If a woman wants to have sex on a first date, should you always go for it?
  • How long does it take to get over a serious breakup, and what are more specific ways I can speed up the process?
  • How do you deal with shy girls in nightclubs when the conversation isn’t really flowing?
  • How do you control a conversation?
  • How do I get over my fear of STD’s?
  • What do you do when you run out of things to say?
  • What do I do if a girl checks out my Facebook profile and seems distant afterward?

Downloadable Audio



Questions for this week include:


  • She has a test coming up, and isn’t going on any dates until it’s over, when/what should I text her?
  • I have trouble trying to create rapport via text, should I call instead?
  • Even though I try to get girls to talk, it feels like they always put the onus of being interesting back on me, what should I do?
  • What’s the biggest difference between college game and real life?
  • Do nice guys really finish last?
  • You say your goal is to get her talking, but sometimes I get called out for not talking enough. What should I do?
  • I’m feeling “numb” after a bad breakup, is this normal?
  • A girl said to me: “you can’t handle me” – how would you respond to this?
  • What do I do if she doesn’t fill in the “lull” in conversation?
  • How do you “pick up older women?
  • How does growing up with divorce affect your love life?
  • Any advice for online dating?
  • I may have ruined things with a girl I liked because I was too afraid to get sexual on our first date – any way I can recover?
  • How does “daygame” differ from “night game”?
  • How can I bring women I’m really attracted to into my social circle when my friends can be embarrassing?
  • How can I be “dominant” in a mixed group of girls and guys?
  • How do you deal with socially dominant women?
  • Is there any way to make a powerful impression over text?

(Downloadable Audio)