After some initial technical difficulties, the first ever SoA Q&A was underway and I couldn’t have been happier with the results. The questions started flying in through the chat box and it really felt like we were having a live conversation.

Special thanks to the guys who had the drive to ask the questions that stand between them and the social and dating lives that they know they deserve. I hope you enjoy the video as much as I enjoyed making it.

(List of specific questions  and link to downloadable audio can be found below the video)

• Although the bar may be the best place to work our social and sexual muscles, do we have any alternatives?
• What’s the little mindset shift that can stop me from running out of things to say?
• How to get a woman to respond positively in conversation
• This girl is in an undefined relationship but we have chemistry – how should I proceed?
• How do girls react when they find out you’re a dating coach?
• Can you really just be friends with a woman?
• How to go for the kiss
• How to maximize the power of going out with a female friend
• How to get over an ex (I forget to mention “working on yourself” in this answer – but yes, definitely that.)
• How do you get your confidence back after too many failures?
• How do you make sure your numbers turn into dates?
• And many more! (not even just saying that)

Download the Audio

As I’ve stated, while the bar isn’t the most efficient means of bringing new women into your life, it is the best place to work on your social and sexual muscles. Consider it the gym – some love it, some hate it, but when your goal is self improvement it can be one of the most powerful tools you have.

Ideally, you want to go out with at least one friend so you can take turns approaching and seeing who’s open, have someone there to keep you positive if you happen to bump into some less-than-friendly girls, and to even out the numbers in the group after the first guy’s gone in to see if they’re looking to socialize. If the first guy determines the girls are friendly, it’s up to his friends to go up to her friends and say hi and employ everything we’ve discussed in this book – they’ll be expecting it and if it doesn’t happen they’ll ask where they are. If they look confused when I approach to even out the numbers I’ll just say, “our friends are talking so I figured I should say hi”. Once again, it’s important that you prioritize building a social circle.

Unfortunately though, friends aren’t always available to go out. Aside from just being busy that night, maybe they’re all married and not doing that anymore, or you just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone or are traveling alone. These unavoidable situations, however, shouldn’t stop you from improving yourself if that’s your goal and having enjoyable interactions at the bar if that’s what you’d like to do. Is it a little more difficult without your support group? Sure, but not going to the gym because you don’t have a buddy to spot you is a pretty weak excuse.

When I go out alone, I’ll first do a quick scan of the bar to see where the most friendly looking people are, bonus if it’s girls simply because they typically make me more nervous than guys. Then I’ll walk up to the bar near those friendly looking folks and order a drink. While waiting for my drink I’ll attempt to dig for eye contact and/or say something to the people next to me and I’ll find out how “open” they are.

I’m still aware that the first time I approach will be the most awkward so I do it just to loosen up as soon as possible as anything, but if the first group happens to be friendly then fantastic, I’ve just found my first friendly person and my social momentum will really start to roll. If they’re not looking to socialize then I quickly scan the place to determine who the next-most-friendly looking people might be, and then attempt to start a conversation with them using any of the tools I discuss in Chapter 5. Once again, I’m just trying to make my presence as strong as possible and look for that one friendly person. If it’s a quieter night, I’ll probably attempt to talk to the bartender (just push the conversation forward as discussed in Chapter 10) and if there aren’t any people there looking to socialize I’ll move on to the next spot after finishing my drink.

Once again, it’s not uncommon for a woman to ask where your friends are after she’s been talking to you for two minutes. Don’t get defensive, she’s not trying to call you out on being a lonely loser. She’s simply wondering why your friends aren’t talking to her friends yet. Now, I typically advocate complete honesty, but I feel that a little white lie in this case doesn’t hurt anything. If it’s earlier in the evening, I’ll say that I’m early meeting a friend and he just isn’t there yet. If it’s later in the evening I’ll say my friends just left or that I just finished up with them and I had to finish my drink / wanted a nightcap.

Usually, they’ll just let it slide and if it’s earlier in the night and we hit it off I’ll just say my friend had to cancel. If they try to call me out on this white lie, they’ll usually do it with a smile in a playful way. I’ll stick to my story but smile back, letting them know that they got me but it’s all in good fun. The girls who call you out are typically the girls who have flown solo themselves, or are at least aware of what’s up and totally cool with it. If the girls are being rude about it than I’ll stick to my guns and ‘warm goodbye’ them asap.

With that last major excuse that keeps guys from developing their social and sexual selves put to rest, there’s now nothing standing in between you and the man you know you have the potential to become. The only thing that’s left is the action you decide to take.

As we’ve discussed, the best place to work your social and sexual muscles is the bar, and the easiest and most efficient way of meeting people is to build a social circle – however there’s still probably a ton of girls that you encounter on a day-to-day basis that you’d love to talk to, and not all of these women go to the bar at night or fall into your social circle. This means that as you go about your day to day activities and fate throws whomever it throws in your path, you’ll encounter a broader selection of women that you’d ever meet otherwise and a have greater chance that you’ll have chemistry with one of them, at least compared to the bar (you still tend to have a higher chance of having chemistry with someone you meet through your social circle due to shared friends and interests).

 

A lot of introverts I’ve worked with have also found it easier to focus on the other person and do the other things that matter in a conversation when they’re in a quieter environment as opposed to a loud bar that can be more overwhelming for them. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t still use those more intimidating environments to fight their fears, test their muscles, and prepare themselves for other social events. It simply means that other than for self-improvement, introverts tend to avoid the bar, and that’s fine.

Talking to women during that daytime is 99% similar to talking to girls at the bar, but there are some key distinctions:

 

• People Aren’t There to Socialize

As I’m mentioned, people go out to bars – which originated in the UK as “Public Houses” and were created for the sole purpose of socializing – with no other intentions but to mingle and flirt. On the other hand, people go out during the day for every other reason except mingling and flirting. This certainly doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of women who would would love an unexpected and fateful interaction to break up their day. It just means you should be aware that you’re more likely to get less than positive responses that indicate someone is interested in socializing during the day than at the bar. It certainly doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t find out who’s interested in socializing and who’s not if you want to, it’s just something to be aware of so you don’t take it personally if they’re simply not in the mood for whatever reason.

Also, note that I used the word “fateful” in the above paragraph to describe your interaction. Because people go out during the day for every reason except to socialize, if you give off the impression that you’re out for the sole purpose of talking to girls then you’ll come off as a little weird. Instead, you have to give the impression that you’re out for the same reasons everyone else is – if you’re at coffee shop, you’re there to get coffee. If you’re at a bookstore, you’re there to waste time and check out books. Better yet, instead of trying to repress your true intention, go out to get coffee, check out books, or whatever it it that you have to do or like to do on a day to day basis and take advantage of all of the natural opportunities to talk to women that life fatefully throws in your direction.

 

• No “Social Lubrication”

The biggest difference in not having alcohol or being in a loud, cramped environment is that people become more aware of their physical boundaries. This isn’t to say that your overall distance isn’t still a primary factor of your presence and still one of the most important factors that will determine whether or no you get a positive response – just that you can’t get AS close or touch AS much as at the bar. You should still be erring on the side of too close and hand checking until you actually find the proper boundary, but this difference is just something to be aware of.

 

• Shorter Interactions

If you try to end an interaction at a bar after a few minutes, the women will wonder why you don’t want to talk to her longer. During the day though, when most people are on the go, it’s the norm for an interaction to only last a minute or two before numbers are exchanged.

Ask what she’s up to that day, and if she says she’s bored and got nothing to do then she’s telling you that she’s like to hang out right now. If you’ve got nothing to do as well suggest coffee or a drink. Most of the time though, a person will respond that they’re running off to some other obligation and she’ll expect you to go for her number more quickly if you want to see her again.

This can once again be awkward and difficult if you’re not used to doing it. If she’s giving you positive signals and has to run off somewhere, stop waiting for her to make the first move and force yourself to go for the number. You’ll still get polite “no”s that don’t hurt, but you’ll get enough positive responses to make you very happy you started asking – so many that you may even be shocked.

 

With those differences in mind, I’ll now lay out a basic step-by-step guide to meeting women during the day:

 

Step 1: You Have to Be Close

Sometimes fate hooks you up on this one. Maybe she’s next to you in line at the coffee shop, sitting near you on the bus, or planning the same meal at the grocery store. If this happens then the first step has been done for you. Otherwise you’ll have to do it yourself.

If you see a girl you want to talk to and fate didn’t throw her in your lap, then the first thing you have to do is get in her general vicinity. If she’s looking at books on a particular shelf, look on the same shelf. If she’s checking out the celery, go ahead and take a peek at the celery. If she’s sitting at a coffee shop or on a park bench, try to get a table or bench adjacent to hers.

If you ignore this step and first start worrying about what you’re going to say or entertaining excuses, then it’s never going to happen. Before you think about anything else, just get close enough to her that saying something is easy (distance matters).

 

Step 2: Find Out How Social She’s Feeling

How do you find out whether she’s in the mood to socialize or not? Why you say something to her with as much presence as possible (and a little hint of flirtation) of course.

Aside from the always-available ‘Sherlock Holmes’, the easiest way to start a conversation is just using the ‘Shared Experience’ of whatever is around us. If we’re at the bookstore I’ll pick up a book that sounds interesting from the shelf we’re both looking at and ask her if she’s read it, or comment on a book she’s checking out. I’ll ask if she knows how to pick the best celery. I’ll inquire about the book she’s reading on her park bench. Once again, whatever you say doesn’t matter. I’m just finding out if she’s in the mood to socialize or not while communicating as effectively as possible.

If she gives a short, polite response with little emotion then I’ll probably try one more time, but most likely I’ll just accept that she’s not in the mood for whatever reason and move on. If she smiles and ‘opens up’ a bit when she responds then it’s on.

It can be difficult to make passing comments to random strangers during the day, especially if you’re not used to it, and especially if you only try to do it with the occasional girl you’re attracted to. If you make it a habit to make a friendly comment to the old woman sitting next to you at the bus stop, the guy at the gas station, and the mom with her kids at the grocery store, then the more natural it will feel to make a friendly comment to that cute girl at the coffee shop despite how nervous she makes you feel. If you’re not already used to doing this behavior naturally, than the fact that this is an unnatural action for you combined with the nervousness she makes you feel will make saying something near impossible.

 

Step 3: You Know This Already

If she gives you the signal that she’s feeling social then it’s right back to everything we covered in Parts 2 and 3 of this book. Push the conversation forward when it’s your turn to, focus on her as strongly as possible and go with your first gut reaction, whether it be to overly-empathize, relate, or ask deeper questions and follow those breadcrumbs (don’t forget the flirtatious vibe!). Also don’t forget to share the pressure of the conversation with her and give her space during the ‘moment of truth’.

As I mentioned, asking her what she’s up to on that particular day when it’s your turn to push the conversation forward to is perfect for the daytime, and if she’s running off to do something else you had better go for that number before the interaction is over.

 

With that, you now have the necessary information to talk to women (or anyone) in any situation you could ever find yourself in. As I mentioned, 99% of it is the same. It goes back to developing your approaching, conversational, and sexual muscles so that you can make the most out of every one of these situations.

Because bars are full of people who came for the specific purpose of socializing and/or flirting, and because they can be an intimidating environment for many guys, there is simply no better place to consistently work your social and sexual muscles (you can think of it as the gym). That being said, in terms of energy spent, it’s certainly not the most efficient means of bringing women into your life. Depending on the bar for your dating life is like depending on the casino for your financial life – it may be fun, but eventually you’re most likely going to end up alone and miserable.

Aside from building your social and sexual muscles, which should be your first goal, when it comes to building a fulfilling dating life, the most efficient place to spend your energy is in developing a social circle. Aside from the fact that we’re a social species and your happiness is intrinsically tied to your relationships and day to day interactions with other people and the fact that having great guy friends will make your nights out exponentially more enjoyable, once you have a strong social circle rolling you’ll naturally meet a ton of women who you’re more likely to click with because you already have mutual friends. After your physical health, I would rank quality of your social circle as the second most important aspect of our life when it comes to quality and happiness.

If you’re starting from scratch, building a social circle can seem like a pretty intimidating task, however in reality, like everything else in this book, it’s really quite simple. Below are the two steps to developing a dynamic social circle.

 

1. Take Control of Your Social Life

Jeff, an alum, emailed me a few months ago saying that he needed a phone call. Once we were talking, he told me he was frustrated because people he knew weren’t inviting him to their events despite the fact that he was doing everything I talked about in Parts 1-3 of this book. I thought for a moment and then asked Jeff how many times he invited these other people to events of his own. He paused, and replied, “never”.

Jeff was getting frustrated that other people weren’t demonstrating that they wanted to be his friend, while at the same time he was never demonstrating that he wanted to be their friend. If you want other people to invite you to their events, the easiest way to do it is to stop being a victim and blaming everything else, start taking control of your social life instead of being dependent on everyone else for it, and invite other people to events you create.

The event, which you should try to organize at least once a month, doesn’t have to be a huge or complicated one. Maybe it’s a simple boy’s night out. Maybe it’s a dinner party at your place or a meal at some restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. Maybe it’s a sporting event, concert, day in the park, pre-party, birthday party, or something more out-there like bungee jumping or whirlyball. After deciding what you want to do, the next step is to invite every acquaintance of yours who may be appropriate for the event. You must invite the people that you don’t know quite as well yet, the people who wouldn’t be your first thought – use common sense of course, but don’t make excuses. That is how those individuals go from being acquaintances to friends.

Keep in mind that you won’t get a lot of responses to your first events – one or two if you’re lucky. People just aren’t used to this coming from you, and usually don’t want to be the first to commit to something new. Keep at it though, and as your events become more common more and more people will be coming out to them (there’s another reason for that listed below) and these acquaintances will start inviting you out more and more to their events.

Congratulations, you’re now in control of your social life.

 

2. Expand Your Social Circle

Once you’re becoming the center of your own social universe, the next step is to expand that universe. The best way to do this is to support friends and acquaintances and join other groups that are already formed. For starters, start showing up for invites to a friend’s improv night, his band’s show, the opening to her new play, etc. Aside from being there for a friend as you’d want him to be there for you, you’ll also meet other great friends of his who care enough about your mutual friend to come out and support him as well. Employ the social skills you’ve learned in this book, and invite these new acquaintences to your next event.

Joining other groups that are already formed is another great way to meet people with similar interests. Maybe it’s a cooking, dance, or improv class. Maybe it’s a meetup.com group that discusses business trends or traveling. Maybe it’s a group that does non-profit work or looks to meditate more. Whatever it is, find something that’s fulfilling for you and then make it a goal to be as proactive in meeting others in that group as possible and employing your new-found communications skills.

As you social-butterfly your way around your new groups, chatting people up, inviting them to some sort of group bonding after-activity, “anyone want to grab a drink/dinner after this?” – you’ll naturally find that there are people you get along with more, and those you get along with less. With the people whose company you enjoy more, it’s time to invite them to your events and build your own social circle even more.
The longer you activate this “machine”, the more dramatic your results get. You start developing stronger bonds with the people in your other groups, more and more people start showing up for your events and they bring more and more friends of their own, and you start getting invited to more and more of their events as well. The growth is exponential and before you know it you’ve got to turn down invites because there’s only so many nights in a week.

If you’re becoming more satisfied with the strength of your social and sexual muscles and aren’t actively working on building your social circle, it should be your next point of focus. Most of the time that we feel lonely, it’s not because we don’t have a woman in our lives (and that “solution” will only ease the pain for a limited time), but rather because we don’t have regular social interaction or a healthy circle of friends we can talk to when times get rough. Whether you were in a long relationship and let your social circle slide, or you’ve been “gifted” social circles previously in your life through school, work, or certain friends and have never built one for yourself, this is a skill that can be developed at any point in life. It may be difficult at first, but I can promise that this work will be as rewarding as any you’ve ever done in your life – and there’s won’t be any shortage of girls either.

If you’ve been following the advice in this book you should be getting a fair amount of phone numbers. Once again, I’m not saying to try to get as many phone numbers as possible, I’m saying that if you put yourself your there you’re going to start meeting a lot more women who you have chemistry with who you’ll want to see again. Unfortunately though, once a phone number is received, a lot of guys make mistakes that prevent them from ever seeing that girl again. This chapter is meant to highlight the most common mistakes and, while there will always be fallout for reasons that have nothing to do with you, by following this advice you’ll be able to ensure that the VAST majority of numbers you take (from women you have actual chemistry with) will turn into dates.

Also, you may note that calling a girl was left out of this book. That’s because the world is changing. Everyone realizes that for basic communication, texting is more convenient than calling. When you call someone, it puts a woman on the spot, they have to available at that exact moment you call and be ready to have a conversation with someone who probably makes her a little nervous (she probably likes you, obviously she wouldn’t have given you her number in the first place). Texting someone recognizes that they have a busy schedule and allows them to respond when it’s convenient for them. Also, when a girl is into a guy, she’ll often have her texts to you proofread by at least one of her girlfriends so she can feel more confident about what she’s communicating to you instead of worrying about coming across as “awkward” on the phone. A few women will still prefer phone calls (usually a little older) and they’ll be sure to let you know. If that’s the case then give them a call and simply apply the rules I list below to those conversations.

 

• Assume High

The most common mistake guys make when texting is that he feels he needs to win her over and get her to give him enough of a positive response that he feels comfortable asking for a date. On one hand, he wants her to make the first move once again. On the other, he’s ignoring the fact that she already likes him and wants to see him again, once again indicated by the fact that she gave him her number in the first place. After she sends a two or three texts that show thought and emotion I’m going to start setting up the date as I describe below.

Your texts should never be sent with the intention to try to get her to like you more, otherwise she’ll start to wonder once again why you’re trying so hard. She’ll eventually give shorter and shorter responses to these attempts, or start ignoring him altogether. The guy wonders where he went wrong and what he could have said to get a stronger response out of her (to get her to make the first move) – meanwhile she simply got tired of waiting for him to ask her out.

Instead of trying to get her to like you more, text should only be sent for these purposes:

1. To share a little about my day and show her you’re curious about how she’s doing and what she’s up to
2. To employ the conversation skills detailed in Part 2 to either react to what she’s saying appropriately, relate my own experiences, ask deeper questions, or follow the trail of breadcrumbs
3. To set up a date

 

• After Getting Things Going, Follow Her Lead

It’s usually your job to start the texting. I’ll typically send a text the same night (or day) as getting a girls number along the lines of, “it was great meeting you, I hope pizza is good”. If she responds, that’s a really good sign, but if she doesn’t it doesn’t really matter. The main point of that text is just so she has a text in her inbox with my name on it (or whatever name she made up for me) so the next day I’m extra-easy to remember.

Whether she responded or not, I’m going to initiate texting with her the next day (it’s typically your job to initiate texting on any given day until she gets more comfortable with you). I usually won’t send the first text of of the day to a woman until about mid-afternoon, simply because I’m busy with other priorities such as work, eating, working out, etc. This is a girl you just met, you shouldn’t be demonstrating that she’s immediately more important than everything else you had going on in your life before – and she shouldn’t be. Every woman has different preferences with texting though, and once I send that first text I’ll usually follow her lead when it comes to how I proceed.

The first area I’ll follow a girl’s lead is in timing. If she likes to respond quickly, I’ll tend to respond more quickly in between taking care of whatever other priorities I have for the day. If she takes longer to get back, hours or even waiting until the next day, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like me, just that that’s her texting preference, and I’ll mirror that preference.

The other area I’ll follow her lead is in length and conversation continuation. Some girls like to have conversations via text, while others prefer short, quick texts. Once again, I’ll mirror her preferences. If she still gives responses that contain thought and emotion, but they’re a bit shorter and she doesn’t fill in the “moment of truth” with additional questions back at me, then I’ll keep my responses shorter and won’t try to continue the conversation after filling in the first one or two “moments” – as long as I’ve gone for the date. If she gives longer responses and fills in those gaps, than I’ll enjoy a more conversational text interaction as long as I want to given my other priorities.

 

• The Slow-Drip

Another common mistake guys make when setting up a date is that they try to confirm all the details of the date as soon as possible: “Ok, so we’re going to meet on Friday at 8 at Rick’s Cafe”. They feel that “locking down” that information makes their future date more likely and the confirmation of information makes them feel more secure. As many guys who have done this in the past can attest to though, this added “security” certainly doesn’t make her any less likely to flake on the date

When you think about it though, although it may not be egregious, you’re acting a little weird. When you’re making plans with friends, you don’t try to solidify every detail as soon as possible. You may say, “hey, you free on Friday for that show”, he responds, “yeah”, and you say, “cool, let’s plan on getting together then”. And then you work out the further logistics as the need arises. The next day you may say, “want to grab a drink before the show?”, and either the day before or the day of you probably send something like “hey, let’s meet at Joe’s around the corner from the show at 8”.

You should be doing the same thing with women. As I said above, when she sends me two or three texts that she’s put some thought or emotion into I’m going to start to set up the date, which is all about taking care of logistics. Whenever plans are made with anyone, logistics have to be dealt with. When it comes to dates, it’s typically the man’s job to take care of them and do it as smoothly as possible, like you would with your friends.

The first logistical hurdle you both face to setting up a date is typically the general time – what day, what part of that day. After replying to whatever conversation we were having in those first several texts, unless we already have plans for some specific event, I’ll send a quick followup text that says, “hey, are you free to grab a drink on Thursday by any chance?” or “I’d be great to grab coffee with you this week, what’s your schedule look like?”. (In the following chapter we’ll discuss why your first date should almost always be a drink or cup of coffee.) After we confirm the general time I won’t try to push for any more logistics at that point (unless the date is the next day). If she asks where we’re meeting I’ll say I’m not sure yet but it’ll be amazing, because I’m not, and it will be. After getting this first logistic handled, I definitely have no need to fill in any more moments of truth and try to continue the conversation any longer than she’d like to.

The next two pieces of logistical info you need are the general area so you can pick a place, and a more specific time. It really doesn’t matter which order you take care of these in. Space them out over days if you’ve got plenty of time before the date so you have more excuses to text her in between, or get them both out of the way the day after you set the date and approximate time if there’s a crunch for time. If we haven’t discussed it already, for general area I’ll simply text something like, “I’m in Chinatown, what neighborhood are you coming from so I can pick some place in between”. For a more specific time, I’ll ask, “what time do you get free on Friday?”

The last piece of the puzzle is the specific place. I’ll usually share this the day of, or the day before (especially if she asks) “Have you been to The Room? It’s very cool, let’s meet there at 8:30”. As she’s confirming these details within twenty four hours of the actual date it’s virtually impossible for her to flake on said date, all because you handled the logistics like you would with any friend.

One last mistake that guys often make when it comes to taking care of the logistics is that they don’t confirm the details. A woman will say, “I’m free on Thursday”, and the guy will reply, “cool”, or, “sounds good”. He’s excited because he feels like he went for a date and got a positive response, meanwhile he never actually confirmed that date and she’s wondering if it’s actually on or not. If he let’s a couple days drift before he mentions the date again because he’s nervous that he’ll “mess it up”, then she could very well make other plans, leaving him frustrated that she “flaked” on the date he was looking forward to.

It’s important to confirm every detail. When she says, “I’m free Thursday”, I’ll reply, “Sounds great, I’ll look forward to seeing you then”. Is a small change, but one that makes a big difference. When she says, “I’m free at 7:30”, I won’t say, “sounds good”, but rather I’ll reply, “sounds good, I’m free at 8, let’s plan on meeting at 8:30”. Once again, it’s often your job to take care of logistics. Don’t shy away from the task, but rather make her feel like every detail is handled.

 

• If She Doesn’t Respond

When a woman doesn’t respond to your text messages, guys have a tendency to ‘freak out’ and start over-analyzing every little thing that they might have done wrong. As long as you had a sexual connection, or sometimes a deep emotional connection when you get her number in the first place then her lack of response probably doesn’t have as much to do with anything you did wrong as it has to do with something happening with her. Maybe she had an ‘ex’ pop back into her life, maybe she lost her phone, maybe she got busy and just forgot, or maybe you just didn’t go for the date quickly enough.

When a woman doesn’t respond to my text, I’ll wait a bit (mirroring her space if she needs it)and send something along the lines of, “Hey, is everything alright?”. I may throw in some fun twist such as, “Hey, is everything alright? I never heard back from you and was starting to worry that you had gotten kidnapped or something”. If she’s already been responsive, I’ll usually just make some little joke about her lack of response, an example of which I give below. Once again, as long as you had some sort of connection she’ll usually respond with an apology and the reason behind her lack of reply.

Once again, sometimes a girl will just fall off the map – it happens. If you’re doing everything right though, you should be going on dates with a very solid majority of numbers that you get. For those minority of girls who disappear, after I send my, “is everything alright” text, I’m sure to give them the space they’re requesting and not text them again. It’s not uncommon for those girls to get back to me a month or two later with an explanation of what happened – usually an ex or a super-busy professional life – and an offer to get together. If you show poor social intelligence and ignore her silent requests for space, then you’ll never get these month-later texts.

 

With these rules in mind, here are some examples of my texts that illustrate them. The most common responses guys have to my texts is “that’s it?”, and, “that looks so simple”, and when you’re not over-complicating things it really is simple. These examples aren’t meant to show off or share some ‘secret tricks’ that I use, but merely to demonstrate how simple and easy this really should be, and that it’s only our limiting beliefs that makes it so difficult sometimes.

 

This quick interaction is an example of when she was already going to be in my neighborhood, so I killed the slow drip and took care of logistics as quickly as possible:

Me: Great meeting you tonight. Get home safe love 3:01 AM

Amazing Girl: Thanks doll 3:01 AM

Amazing Girl: Actually, right next door eating pizza 3:02 AM

Me: Lol, I may have to stop and say hi 3:02 AM

Amazing Girl: Come 3:03 AM

Me: I’m not going to lie, I was a little hungover today. You up to anything fun? 4:32 PM (Sharing my experience, asking about hers)

Amazing Girl: That’s a bummer ;(( I feel great. I’m showing my friend (who I had met the night before, and who also turned out to be a fellow dating coach) around the city and doing a little shopping. 4:35 PM

Me: It’s fine, I’m over it. And that’s fun to do that kind of stuff while she’s in town. You girls going out again tonight? 4:39 PM (Keeping the interaction positive, whining is never attractive, and empathizing with her situation. It’s still the weekend so I’m seeing if that first logistic of approximate date can be today.)

Me: And you’re not near nolita (a popular shopping neighborhood in NYC) by any chance are you? 4:40 PM (I also realize that if she’s doing shopping stuff there’s already a good chance she’s already near me, so I inquire about the logistic of approximate location. Also, I’ve heard dating advice along the lines of: Don’t send two texts in a row! This is silly, two texts are fine if it’s the continuation of a thought, just don’t overdo it)

Amazing Girl: Not sure.. We might in Brooklyn… Have my aunt coming into town tonight to hang out. 4:41 PM

Amazing Girl: Not in nolita, but that should be our next stop. In maybe an hour. 4:41 PM

Me: Awesome on both accounts. I live right next door in chinatown, we should grab a drink when you guys get here after you’ve hit all the stores you want to hit 4:46 PM (Once again a slight touch of empathizing, and then since I didn’t actually confirm that I wanted to see her yet I have to do that now. All logistics are now handled except for one more…)

Amazing Girl: Sounds good ) 4:47 PM

Me: Let me know when you’re ready for that drink and I’ll pick a place 4:51 PM (It’s more fun for everyone if there’s a little mystery involved. Of course if she asked I’d let her know, but her plans could always change so it’s still best to be flexible)

Amazing Girl: Ok 4:52 PM

Amazing Girl: Want to meet up still? 6:44 PM (A little late, but she’s a girl, and she was shopping – you’ve got to let these things slide)

Me: Of course. Let’s meet at Spring Lounge on Spring and Mulberry, I’ll leave my place soon 6:47 PM (Final logistic settled)

Amazing Girl: Ok 6:49 PM (Date is on!)

 

This next interaction is about as close to the “norm” as it gets for me, I chose to include because I wanted to give you plenty of examples of what I do ninety nine percent of the time when I text – ie, having a normal conversation. At a certain point I’ll stop explaining what I’m doing in each text because it’ll just become too repetitive. You can also see that she didn’t mind getting more conversational via text, so of course I responded in kind.

Me: Great to meet you tonight doll, hope you had a good rest of the night 2:09 AM

Wonderful Woman: Nice meeting you too 11:54 AM

Me: Hey cutie, how’s your Saturday going so far? 5:34 PM (Just showing I’m curious about her day)

Wonderful Woman: Heyy, it’s good, just went to brunch and walked around the village. What about you ? 7:20 PM

Me: That sounds nice, especially in this weather. I grabbed brunch with my friends and we hung out around the city 9:47 PM (Empathizing, sharing some of my experience)

Me: You going out again tonight? 9:47 PM (It’s still the weekend, and I’m curious about that first logistic)

Wonderful Woman: Yea going out for a bit now what about you 11:09 PM

Me: Out for drinks with my friend. What neighborhood are you guys in? 11:54 PM (On to the next logistic)

Wonderful Woman: We are in west village , what about you 12:47 AM

Me: Hey, I was super tired and ended up going home to pass out pretty early. How was the rest of your night? 3:11 PM (Things didn’t exactly work out that night, so it’s an explanation of my disappearance and more of the same)

Wonderful Woman: It was fun, just went to houston hall for a bit 3:57 PM

Me: I haven’t been there yet but it looks cool. Did you do anything fun today? 6:20 PM (I didn’t delay this response on purpose or anything, in fact it probably would have been better if I had replied a bit sooner. It just happened to be the case that I was exhausted after finishing a clinic that weekend and had just woken up from a nap)

Wonderful Woman: My mom and sister were over, so just went to brunch w them. What about you 7:58 PM

Me: Nice, where’d you go? I just had brunch with my friends at coffee shop 8:41 PM

Wonderful Woman: Sounds fun. We went to extra virgin 8:51 PM

Me: I’ve never been but it sounds good on yelp. Did you get the french toast? 9:06 PM (I mean we all have the internet – I’m just showing that I’m interested in what she did that day)

Wonderful Woman: I didn’t, but I totally regretted it. It looked really amazing. Def get if if you go! 9:09 PM

Me: I don’t know, the basque scramble is calling my name. And I’m busy on Monday, but are you free to grab a drink this Tuesday by any chance? 11:11 PM (Back to the first logistic)

Wonderful Woman: Hey, I have dinner plans Tom night, but I could do something later on in the week 10:05 AM

Me: Nice, where’s dinner? And how does Thursday work for you? 1:38 PM

Me: And how’s your Monday going so far? (Despite being rainy) 1:39 PM

Wonderful Woman: Thurs could work. Monday is ok, going slow as usual. What about you 5:01 PM

Me: Pretty exciting even though I was trying to take it easy. 7:43 PM

Me: And is there a day that could work better for you than Thursday? 7:44 PM (It’s up to you to nail down the logistics – don’t be afraid to push further if she gives you a less-than-helpful answer)

Wonderful Woman: Exciting Monday? Thursday is good for me 9:14 PM

Me: It was between a meeting at noon, talking with my grandmother for her birthday, holding a conference call, and attending a bi-weekly meditation group 11:15 PM

Me: And that’s on top of the usual work I had. What does slow as usual entail? And I look forward to Thursday 11:16 PM (Notice how I confirm that first logistic amid the usual)

Wonderful Woman: Sounds like a busy day. What Do you usually write for? Mondays for me always are tough after coming back from the wknd 12:12 PM

Me: It is, and it doesn’t slow down today. Right now my writing efforts are going toward a a book, and yeah, I’m still dragging from my friends being in town 3:10 PM

Me: Got anything exciting going on today? 3:11 PM

Wonderful Woman: Oh that’s nice. What kind of book is it? Just going to dinner later in Les. What about you ? 6:37 PM

Me: It’s a book on socializing and communicating effectively. I actually just got done giving a presentation in times square. Where’d you go for dinner? 11:23 PM

Wonderful Woman: Oh wow that sounds really cool. I went to sauce in the Les 11:34 PM

Me: It was fun, but I’m still tired. And I love sauce, their meatballs are the best. What neighborhood do you live in again? 11:52 PM (Starting to inquire about the next logistic)

Wonderful Woman: I live in the village. What about you? 11:07 AM (The next day)

Me: Just down in chinatown, which should make picking a place between us for drinks easy. Btw, I’m loving this weather 4:36 PM

Wonderful Woman: That’s nice. I havnt been outside since 7 but I hear its nice ! 6:51 PM

Me: Well I hope it was still pretty warm when you left. What time do you get free tomorrow? 9:09 PM (Logistics logistics logistics)

Wonderful Woman: I’m hoping to be out by around 7 ish. When are you free? 10:22 PM

Me: I should be free by 8, let’s plan on meeting up around then 1:36 AM

Wonderful Woman: 8 might be a little too early. I can do around 9 if that works 11:39 AM

Me: 9 is perfect. Have you been to the Red Bench on Sullivan? 2:27 PM

Wonderful Woman: Never been, that’s Fine though. I hate to be a square but I can’t stay out too long bc I have to get up at 6 Tom :/ 3:05 PM

Me: That’s no problem, we’re just having drinks. We’ll do something more exciting on our second date 4:42 PM (You wouldn’t have taken this as some sort of bad sign and let it throw you off right?)

Me: And it should be illegal to make a person wake up that early 5:16 PM

Wonderful Woman: Haha I promised a friend I will go to the gym w her 5:17 PM

Me: That’s not a real friend. Who does that? 5:23 PM

Wonderful Woman: I’ve been trying to go in the morning lately but it’s really hard 5:25 PM

Me: Lunchtime or after work is the way to do it. I’ve tried early before and while it may sound good in theory you’re guaranteed to quit because it sucks 5:30 PM

Wonderful Woman: I’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks so we’ll see how it goes 5:46 PM

Me: That’s impressive. I’ll try not to keep you out too late tonight 6:27 PM (Throwing on a light sexual tone, once again just to express my excitement to see her again)

 

This last example was chose because it contains not one, but two examples of the girl not responding to my text – not because she wasn’t interested in seeing me but just because of natural circumstances. Once again, how would you have reacted to the situation?

Me: Hey you, how’s not doing anything going today? 4:38 PM

Incredible Girl: Not doing anything?! I’ve been on the go since 10 am and will be out until midnight! Funemployment is busy! How are you today? 4:39 PM

Me: Really?! What are you doing that’s taking up 14 hours of your day? 4:43 PM

Me: And I’m having a pretty great day. Did some yoga, wrote a new article, other productive stuff 4:43 PM

Incredible Girl: Nice! Work, exercise, personal, work again 6:16 PM

Incredible Girl: 14 hours goes fast! 6:16 PM

Me: Man, with such a descriptive reply I feel like I’m walking in your shoes Hope everything goes well 8:53 PM

Incredible Girl: Haha, nothing exciting enough for a narrative. Some good work advice though, happy to share sometime! See you soon? 10:55 PM

Me: I look forward to hearing it. And do you want to go for a walk in central park? 12:16 AM

Me: That unappealing huh? And here I thought a walk in the park sounded wonderful 6:36 PM (Here’s the little joke I mentioned above. I blamed her lack of response on her feelings about the park, which is clearly silly. Also keep in mind that her lack of response may also had a little to do with the fact that I mistakenly got the order of my logistics wrong – did you catch it?)

Incredible Girl: Oh man, nick. Sorry, such a faux pas, I read your text and forgot to respond. Yes a walk sounds lovely!! When? 6:49 PM

Me: I figured it had to be something. Everyone loves the park. How does Saturday afternoon work for you? 7:53 PM

Incredible Girl: Probably well. Depends on weather but looks like it should be clear. 8:24 PM

Me: I like how proactive you in checking the weather. How about we plan on Sat afternoon and I’ll just have an alternate activity planned in case the weather sucks 8:42 PM

Incredible Girl: Ok! Sounds fun! 10:07 PM

Me: Oh it’s going to be fun and a half. How’s your Friday going? 3:14 PM

Incredible Girl: So far so good! I went to the Picasso show at the Guggenheim and it was AMAZING. Have you seen it? How’s your day going? 4:33 PM

Me: Damn! I haven’t been to the Guggenheim yet and it was actually on the list of potential indoor activities for tomorrow. Why do you have to be so cultured? 6:07 PM

Me: How was it? And I saw ‘Flight’ and got some work done so it was good. It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow, should we brave the cold at the park? 6:08 PM

(Mirroring her space)

Incredible Girl: Haha, sorry for the delay. I forgot my phone charger. Let’s meet tomorrow around 2:30? 2:13 AM

Incredible Girl: We could also do highline. 11:50 AM

Me: Hey, 2:30 sounds great. And good call on the highline – closer to us, more to do around it, and less of an outdoor commitment on a cold day 11:56 AM

Me: Meet at the beginning? 11:56 AM

Incredible Girl: Great. By the standard? 11:56 AM

Me: Yep, hopefully we can see some naked people 11:57 AM (For the tourist – The Standard Hotel in Meatpacking is famous for people “getting amorous” in broad daylight in the many widows that are very visible from the park below. It’s the first thing a lot of people think of when they think of the hotel, so my comment is far from inappropriate.)

Incredible Girl: III bring my binoculars! 12:17 PM

Me: Just got in a cab, be there soon 2:33 PM

Incredible Girl: Ok I’m on Washington and gansevoort 2:39 PM

 

Once again, going from a number to a date shouldn’t be this confusing ordeal – it’s really quite simple. Stop making it more complicated than it needs to be and getting in your own way. There’s no need to win her over again to the point where she makes the first move, simply show her you’re genuinely interested in her, respect her texting preferences without taking it personally, and take care of those logistics.

This isn’t a girl that needs to be won over – you’re simply two people who like each other and want to see each other again. It’s just your job to make that happen.