If you’ve been following the advice in this book you should be getting a fair amount of phone numbers. Once again, I’m not saying to try to get as many phone numbers as possible, I’m saying that if you put yourself your there you’re going to start meeting a lot more women who you have chemistry with who you’ll want to see again. Unfortunately though, once a phone number is received, a lot of guys make mistakes that prevent them from ever seeing that girl again. This chapter is meant to highlight the most common mistakes and, while there will always be fallout for reasons that have nothing to do with you, by following this advice you’ll be able to ensure that the VAST majority of numbers you take (from women you have actual chemistry with) will turn into dates.
You’ve got it – Now are you ever going to see Jenny again?
Also, you may note that calling a girl was left out of this book. That’s because the world is changing. Everyone realizes that for basic communication, texting is more convenient than calling. When you call someone, it puts a woman on the spot, they have to available at that exact moment you call and be ready to have a conversation with someone who probably makes her a little nervous (she probably likes you, obviously she wouldn’t have given you her number in the first place). Texting someone recognizes that they have a busy schedule and allows them to respond when it’s convenient for them. Also, when a girl is into a guy, she’ll often have her texts to you proofread by at least one of her girlfriends so she can feel more confident about what she’s communicating to you instead of worrying about coming across as “awkward” on the phone. A few women will still prefer phone calls (usually a little older) and they’ll be sure to let you know. If that’s the case then give them a call and simply apply the rules I list below to those conversations.
The most common mistake guys make when texting is that he feels he needs to win her over and get her to give him enough of a positive response that he feels comfortable asking for a date. On one hand, he wants her to make the first move once again. On the other, he’s ignoring the fact that she already likes him and wants to see him again, once again indicated by the fact that she gave him her number in the first place. After she sends a two or three texts that show thought and emotion I’m going to start setting up the date as I describe below.
Your texts should never be sent with the intention to try to get her to like you more, otherwise she’ll start to wonder once again why you’re trying so hard. She’ll eventually give shorter and shorter responses to these attempts, or start ignoring him altogether. The guy wonders where he went wrong and what he could have said to get a stronger response out of her (to get her to make the first move) – meanwhile she simply got tired of waiting for him to ask her out.
Instead of trying to get her to like you more, text should only be sent for these purposes:
- To share a little about my day and show her you’re curious about how she’s doing and what she’s up to
- To employ the conversation skills detailed in Part 2 to either react to what she’s saying appropriately, relate my own experiences, ask deeper questions, or follow the trail of breadcrumbs
- To set up a date
- After Getting Things Going, Follow Her Lead
It’s usually your job to start the texting. I’ll typically send a text the same night (or day) as getting a girls number along the lines of, “it was great meeting you, I hope pizza is good”. If she responds, that’s a really good sign, but if she doesn’t it doesn’t really matter. The main point of that text is just so she has a text in her inbox with my name on it (or whatever name she made up for me) so the next day I’m extra-easy to remember.
Whether she responded or not, I’m going to initiate texting with her the next day (it’s typically your job to initiate texting on any given day until she gets more comfortable with you). I usually won’t send the first text of of the day to a woman until about mid-afternoon, simply because I’m busy with other priorities such as work, eating, working out, etc. This is a girl you just met, you shouldn’t be demonstrating that she’s immediately more important than everything else you had going on in your life before – and she shouldn’t be. Every woman has different preferences with texting though, and once I send that first text I’ll usually follow her lead when it comes to how I proceed.
The first area I’ll follow a girl’s lead is in timing. If she likes to respond quickly, I’ll tend to respond more quickly in between taking care of whatever other priorities I have for the day. If she takes longer to get back, hours or even waiting until the next day, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like me, just that that’s her texting preference, and I’ll mirror that preference.
The other area I’ll follow her lead is in length and conversation continuation. Some girls like to have conversations via text, while others prefer short, quick texts. Once again, I’ll mirror her preferences. If she still gives responses that contain thought and emotion, but they’re a bit shorter and she doesn’t fill in the “moment of truth” with additional questions back at me, then I’ll keep my responses shorter and won’t try to continue the conversation after filling in the first one or two “moments” – as long as I’ve gone for the date. If she gives longer responses and fills in those gaps, than I’ll enjoy a more conversational text interaction as long as I want to given my other priorities.
Another common mistake guys make when setting up a date is that they try to confirm all the details of the date as soon as possible: “Ok, so we’re going to meet on Friday at 8 at Rick’s Cafe”. They feel that “locking down” that information makes their future date more likely and the confirmation of information makes them feel more secure. As many guys who have done this in the past can attest to though, this added “security” certainly doesn’t make her any less likely to flake on the date
When you think about it though, although it may not be egregious, you’re acting a little weird. When you’re making plans with friends, you don’t try to solidify every detail as soon as possible. You may say, “hey, you free on Friday for that show”, he responds, “yeah”, and you say, “cool, let’s plan on getting together then”. And then you work out the further logistics as the need arises. The next day you may say, “want to grab a drink before the show?”, and either the day before or the day of you probably send something like “hey, let’s meet at Joe’s around the corner from the show at 8”.
You should be doing the same thing with women. As I said above, when she sends me two or three texts that she’s put some thought or emotion into I’m going to start to set up the date, which is all about taking care of logistics. Whenever plans are made with anyone, logistics have to be dealt with. When it comes to dates, it’s typically the man’s job to take care of them and do it as smoothly as possible, like you would with your friends.
The first logistical hurdle you both face to setting up a date is typically the general time – what day, what part of that day. After replying to whatever conversation we were having in those first several texts, unless we already have plans for some specific event, I’ll send a quick followup text that says, “hey, are you free to grab a drink on Thursday by any chance?” or “I’d be great to grab coffee with you this week, what’s your schedule look like?”. (In the following chapter we’ll discuss why your first date should almost always be a drink or cup of coffee.) After we confirm the general time I won’t try to push for any more logistics at that point (unless the date is the next day). If she asks where we’re meeting I’ll say I’m not sure yet but it’ll be amazing, because I’m not, and it will be. After getting this first logistic handled, I definitely have no need to fill in any more moments of truth and try to continue the conversation any longer than she’d like to.
The next two pieces of logistical info you need are the general area so you can pick a place, and a more specific time. It really doesn’t matter which order you take care of these in. Space them out over days if you’ve got plenty of time before the date so you have more excuses to text her in between, or get them both out of the way the day after you set the date and approximate time if there’s a crunch for time. If we haven’t discussed it already, for general area I’ll simply text something like, “I’m in Chinatown, what neighborhood are you coming from so I can pick some place in between”. For a more specific time, I’ll ask, “what time do you get free on Friday?”
The last piece of the puzzle is the specific place. I’ll usually share this the day of, or the day before (especially if she asks) “Have you been to The Room? It’s very cool, let’s meet there at 8:30”. As she’s confirming these details within twenty four hours of the actual date it’s virtually impossible for her to flake on said date, all because you handled the logistics like you would with any friend.
One last mistake that guys often make when it comes to taking care of the logistics is that they don’t confirm the details. A woman will say, “I’m free on Thursday”, and the guy will reply, “cool”, or, “sounds good”. He’s excited because he feels like he went for a date and got a positive response, meanwhile he never actually confirmed that date and she’s wondering if it’s actually on or not. If he let’s a couple days drift before he mentions the date again because he’s nervous that he’ll “mess it up”, then she could very well make other plans, leaving him frustrated that she “flaked” on the date he was looking forward to.
It’s important to confirm every detail. When she says, “I’m free Thursday”, I’ll reply, “Sounds great, I’ll look forward to seeing you then”. Is a small change, but one that makes a big difference. When she says, “I’m free at 7:30”, I won’t say, “sounds good”, but rather I’ll reply, “sounds good, I’m free at 8, let’s plan on meeting at 8:30”. Once again, it’s often your job to take care of logistics. Don’t shy away from the task, but rather make her feel like every detail is handled.
When a woman doesn’t respond to your text messages, guys have a tendency to ‘freak out’ and start over-analyzing every little thing that they might have done wrong. As long as you had a sexual connection, or sometimes a deep emotional connection when you get her number in the first place then her lack of response probably doesn’t have as much to do with anything you did wrong as it has to do with something happening with her. Maybe she had an ‘ex’ pop back into her life, maybe she lost her phone, maybe she got busy and just forgot, or maybe you just didn’t go for the date quickly enough.
When a woman doesn’t respond to my text, I’ll wait a bit (mirroring her space if she needs it)and send something along the lines of, “Hey, is everything alright?”. I may throw in some fun twist such as, “Hey, is everything alright? I never heard back from you and was starting to worry that you had gotten kidnapped or something”. If she’s already been responsive, I’ll usually just make some little joke about her lack of response, an example of which I give below. Once again, as long as you had some sort of connection she’ll usually respond with an apology and the reason behind her lack of reply.
Once again, sometimes a girl will just fall off the map – it happens. If you’re doing everything right though, you should be going on dates with a very solid majority of numbers that you get. For those minority of girls who disappear, after I send my, “is everything alright” text, I’m sure to give them the space they’re requesting and not text them again. It’s not uncommon for those girls to get back to me a month or two later with an explanation of what happened – usually an ex or a super-busy professional life – and an offer to get together. If you show poor social intelligence and ignore her silent requests for space, then you’ll never get these month-later texts.
With these rules in mind, here are some examples of my texts that illustrate them. The most common responses guys have to my texts is “that’s it?”, and, “that looks so simple”, and when you’re not over-complicating things it really is simple. These examples aren’t meant to show off or share some ‘secret tricks’ that I use, but merely to demonstrate how simple and easy this really should be, and that it’s only our limiting beliefs that makes it so difficult sometimes.
This quick interaction is an example of when she was already going to be in my neighborhood, so I killed the slow drip and took care of logistics as quickly as possible:
Me: Great meeting you tonight. Get home safe love 3:01 AM
Amazing Girl: Thanks doll 3:01 AM
Amazing Girl: Actually, right next door eating pizza 3:02 AM
Me: Lol, I may have to stop and say hi 3:02 AM
Amazing Girl: Come 3:03 AM
Me: I’m not going to lie, I was a little hungover today. You up to anything fun? 4:32 PM (Sharing my experience, asking about hers)
Amazing Girl: That’s a bummer ;(( I feel great. I’m showing my friend (who I had met the night before, and who also turned out to be a fellow dating coach) around the city and doing a little shopping. 4:35 PM
Me: It’s fine, I’m over it. And that’s fun to do that kind of stuff while she’s in town. You girls going out again tonight? 4:39 PM (Keeping the interaction positive, whining is never attractive, and empathizing with her situation. It’s still the weekend so I’m seeing if that first logistic of approximate date can be today.)
Me: And you’re not near nolita (a popular shopping neighborhood in NYC) by any chance are you? 4:40 PM (I also realize that if she’s doing shopping stuff there’s already a good chance she’s already near me, so I inquire about the logistic of approximate location. Also, I’ve heard dating advice along the lines of: Don’t send two texts in a row! This is silly, two texts are fine if it’s the continuation of a thought, just don’t overdo it)
Amazing Girl: Not sure.. We might in Brooklyn… Have my aunt coming into town tonight to hang out. 4:41 PM
Amazing Girl: Not in nolita, but that should be our next stop. In maybe an hour. 4:41 PM
Me: Awesome on both accounts. I live right next door in chinatown, we should grab a drink when you guys get here after you’ve hit all the stores you want to hit 4:46 PM (Once again a slight touch of empathizing, and then since I didn’t actually confirm that I wanted to see her yet I have to do that now. All logistics are now handled except for one more…)
Amazing Girl: Sounds good ) 4:47 PM
Me: Let me know when you’re ready for that drink and I’ll pick a place 4:51 PM (It’s more fun for everyone if there’s a little mystery involved. Of course if she asked I’d let her know, but her plans could always change so it’s still best to be flexible)
Amazing Girl: Ok 4:52 PM
Amazing Girl: Want to meet up still? 6:44 PM (A little late, but she’s a girl, and she was shopping – you’ve got to let these things slide)
Me: Of course. Let’s meet at Spring Lounge on Spring and Mulberry, I’ll leave my place soon 6:47 PM (Final logistic settled)
Amazing Girl: Ok 6:49 PM (Date is on!)
This next interaction is about as close to the “norm” as it gets for me, I chose to include because I wanted to give you plenty of examples of what I do ninety nine percent of the time when I text – ie, having a normal conversation. At a certain point I’ll stop explaining what I’m doing in each text because it’ll just become too repetitive. You can also see that she didn’t mind getting more conversational via text, so of course I responded in kind.
Me: Great to meet you tonight doll, hope you had a good rest of the night 2:09 AM
Wonderful Woman: Nice meeting you too 11:54 AM
Me: Hey cutie, how’s your Saturday going so far? 5:34 PM (Just showing I’m curious about her day)
Wonderful Woman: Heyy, it’s good, just went to brunch and walked around the village. What about you ? 7:20 PM
Me: That sounds nice, especially in this weather. I grabbed brunch with my friends and we hung out around the city 9:47 PM (Empathizing, sharing some of my experience)
Me: You going out again tonight? 9:47 PM (It’s still the weekend, and I’m curious about that first logistic)
Wonderful Woman: Yea going out for a bit now what about you 11:09 PM
Me: Out for drinks with my friend. What neighborhood are you guys in? 11:54 PM (On to the next logistic)
Wonderful Woman: We are in west village , what about you 12:47 AM
Me: Hey, I was super tired and ended up going home to pass out pretty early. How was the rest of your night? 3:11 PM (Things didn’t exactly work out that night, so it’s an explanation of my disappearance and more of the same)
Wonderful Woman: It was fun, just went to houston hall for a bit 3:57 PM
Me: I haven’t been there yet but it looks cool. Did you do anything fun today? 6:20 PM (I didn’t delay this response on purpose or anything, in fact it probably would have been better if I had replied a bit sooner. It just happened to be the case that I was exhausted after finishing a clinic that weekend and had just woken up from a nap)
Wonderful Woman: My mom and sister were over, so just went to brunch w them. What about you 7:58 PM
Me: Nice, where’d you go? I just had brunch with my friends at coffee shop 8:41 PM
Wonderful Woman: Sounds fun. We went to extra virgin 8:51 PM
Me: I’ve never been but it sounds good on yelp. Did you get the french toast? 9:06 PM (I mean we all have the internet – I’m just showing that I’m interested in what she did that day)
Wonderful Woman: I didn’t, but I totally regretted it. It looked really amazing. Def get if if you go! 9:09 PM
Me: I don’t know, the basque scramble is calling my name. And I’m busy on Monday, but are you free to grab a drink this Tuesday by any chance? 11:11 PM (Back to the first logistic)
Wonderful Woman: Hey, I have dinner plans Tom night, but I could do something later on in the week 10:05 AM
Me: Nice, where’s dinner? And how does Thursday work for you? 1:38 PM
Me: And how’s your Monday going so far? (Despite being rainy) 1:39 PM
Wonderful Woman: Thurs could work. Monday is ok, going slow as usual. What about you 5:01 PM
Me: Pretty exciting even though I was trying to take it easy. 7:43 PM
Me: And is there a day that could work better for you than Thursday? 7:44 PM (It’s up to you to nail down the logistics – don’t be afraid to push further if she gives you a less-than-helpful answer)
Wonderful Woman: Exciting Monday? Thursday is good for me 9:14 PM
Me: It was between a meeting at noon, talking with my grandmother for her birthday, holding a conference call, and attending a bi-weekly meditation group 11:15 PM
Me: And that’s on top of the usual work I had. What does slow as usual entail? And I look forward to Thursday 11:16 PM (Notice how I confirm that first logistic amid the usual)
Wonderful Woman: Sounds like a busy day. What Do you usually write for? Mondays for me always are tough after coming back from the wknd 12:12 PM
Me: It is, and it doesn’t slow down today. Right now my writing efforts are going toward a a book, and yeah, I’m still dragging from my friends being in town 3:10 PM
Me: Got anything exciting going on today? 3:11 PM
Wonderful Woman: Oh that’s nice. What kind of book is it? Just going to dinner later in Les. What about you ? 6:37 PM
Me: It’s a book on socializing and communicating effectively. I actually just got done giving a presentation in times square. Where’d you go for dinner? 11:23 PM
Wonderful Woman: Oh wow that sounds really cool. I went to sauce in the Les 11:34 PM
Me: It was fun, but I’m still tired. And I love sauce, their meatballs are the best. What neighborhood do you live in again? 11:52 PM (Starting to inquire about the next logistic)
Wonderful Woman: I live in the village. What about you? 11:07 AM (The next day)
Me: Just down in chinatown, which should make picking a place between us for drinks easy. Btw, I’m loving this weather 4:36 PM
Wonderful Woman: That’s nice. I havnt been outside since 7 but I hear its nice ! 6:51 PM
Me: Well I hope it was still pretty warm when you left. What time do you get free tomorrow? 9:09 PM (Logistics logistics logistics)
Wonderful Woman: I’m hoping to be out by around 7 ish. When are you free? 10:22 PM
Me: I should be free by 8, let’s plan on meeting up around then 1:36 AM
Wonderful Woman: 8 might be a little too early. I can do around 9 if that works 11:39 AM
Me: 9 is perfect. Have you been to the Red Bench on Sullivan? 2:27 PM
Wonderful Woman: Never been, that’s Fine though. I hate to be a square but I can’t stay out too long bc I have to get up at 6 Tom :/ 3:05 PM
Me: That’s no problem, we’re just having drinks. We’ll do something more exciting on our second date 4:42 PM (You wouldn’t have taken this as some sort of bad sign and let it throw you off right?)
Me: And it should be illegal to make a person wake up that early 5:16 PM
Wonderful Woman: Haha I promised a friend I will go to the gym w her 5:17 PM
Me: That’s not a real friend. Who does that? 5:23 PM
Wonderful Woman: I’ve been trying to go in the morning lately but it’s really hard 5:25 PM
Me: Lunchtime or after work is the way to do it. I’ve tried early before and while it may sound good in theory you’re guaranteed to quit because it sucks 5:30 PM
Wonderful Woman: I’ve been doing it for a couple of weeks so we’ll see how it goes 5:46 PM
Me: That’s impressive. I’ll try not to keep you out too late tonight 6:27 PM (Throwing on a light sexual tone, once again just to express my excitement to see her again)
This last example was chose because it contains not one, but two examples of the girl not responding to my text – not because she wasn’t interested in seeing me but just because of natural circumstances. Once again, how would you have reacted to the situation?
Me: Hey you, how’s not doing anything going today? 4:38 PM
Incredible Girl: Not doing anything?! I’ve been on the go since 10 am and will be out until midnight! Funemployment is busy! How are you today? 4:39 PM
Me: Really?! What are you doing that’s taking up 14 hours of your day? 4:43 PM
Me: And I’m having a pretty great day. Did some yoga, wrote a new article, other productive stuff 4:43 PM
Incredible Girl: Nice! Work, exercise, personal, work again 6:16 PM
Incredible Girl: 14 hours goes fast! 6:16 PM
Me: Man, with such a descriptive reply I feel like I’m walking in your shoes Hope everything goes well 8:53 PM
Incredible Girl: Haha, nothing exciting enough for a narrative. Some good work advice though, happy to share sometime! See you soon? 10:55 PM
Me: I look forward to hearing it. And do you want to go for a walk in central park? 12:16 AM
Me: That unappealing huh? And here I thought a walk in the park sounded wonderful 6:36 PM (Here’s the little joke I mentioned above. I blamed her lack of response on her feelings about the park, which is clearly silly. Also keep in mind that her lack of response may also had a little to do with the fact that I mistakenly got the order of my logistics wrong – did you catch it?)
Incredible Girl: Oh man, nick. Sorry, such a faux pas, I read your text and forgot to respond. Yes a walk sounds lovely!! When? 6:49 PM
Me: I figured it had to be something. Everyone loves the park. How does Saturday afternoon work for you? 7:53 PM
Incredible Girl: Probably well. Depends on weather but looks like it should be clear. 8:24 PM
Me: I like how proactive you in checking the weather. How about we plan on Sat afternoon and I’ll just have an alternate activity planned in case the weather sucks 8:42 PM
Incredible Girl: Ok! Sounds fun! 10:07 PM
Me: Oh it’s going to be fun and a half. How’s your Friday going? 3:14 PM
Incredible Girl: So far so good! I went to the Picasso show at the Guggenheim and it was AMAZING. Have you seen it? How’s your day going? 4:33 PM
Me: Damn! I haven’t been to the Guggenheim yet and it was actually on the list of potential indoor activities for tomorrow. Why do you have to be so cultured? 6:07 PM
Me: How was it? And I saw ‘Flight’ and got some work done so it was good. It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow, should we brave the cold at the park? 6:08 PM
(Mirroring her space)
Incredible Girl: Haha, sorry for the delay. I forgot my phone charger. Let’s meet tomorrow around 2:30? 2:13 AM
Incredible Girl: We could also do highline. 11:50 AM
Me: Hey, 2:30 sounds great. And good call on the highline – closer to us, more to do around it, and less of an outdoor commitment on a cold day 11:56 AM
Me: Meet at the beginning? 11:56 AM
Incredible Girl: Great. By the standard? 11:56 AM
Me: Yep, hopefully we can see some naked people 11:57 AM (For the tourist – The Standard Hotel in Meatpacking is famous for people “getting amorous” in broad daylight in the many widows that are very visible from the park below. It’s the first thing a lot of people think of when they think of the hotel, so my comment is far from inappropriate.)
Incredible Girl: III bring my binoculars! 12:17 PM
Me: Just got in a cab, be there soon 2:33 PM
Incredible Girl: Ok I’m on Washington and gansevoort 2:39 PM
Once again, going from a number to a date shouldn’t be this confusing ordeal – it’s really quite simple. Stop making it more complicated than it needs to be and getting in your own way. There’s no need to win her over again to the point where she makes the first move, simply show her you’re genuinely interested in her, respect her texting preferences without taking it personally, and take care of those logistics.
This isn’t a girl that needs to be won over – you’re simply two people who like each other and want to see each other again. It’s just your job to make that happen.