Imagine being attracted to a woman and going up to her and saying, “hey I find you attractive and I’d like for us to get to know each other better”. The very next second she either says she feels the same way or not. If not, then you don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed, you simply find the next woman that you are attracted to and after two or three more tries you find a woman who feel the same way. After she says she feels the same, the two of you start to get to know each other without worry about anything else and find out if you are compatible to date or not.
Now let’s look at the world. You see a woman you’re attracted to, you worry whether or not she’ll accept or reject you and you try to come up with something to say in order to avoid the latter. Meanwhile, she’s got a million things running through her head. Before a guy says hi she’s thinking about how she looks relative to every other girl there. Once a guy does approach her she has to worry about whether this guy is an asshole who could break her heart or worse. If she does like him she has to think about how she can act in order to get the guy attracted to her while the guy nervously does the same. The result – millions of men and women who are not fully satisfied with their single lives.
Why is the world one way and not the other? Why does meeting people have to be so hard? If you look closely at these two scenarios the difference is apparent: fear has won.
Instead of our interactions being molded by a foundation of trust and security, humans have had to over-compensate in their interactions because of their fear and insecurity. People’s actions and a whole crop of dating “advice” have been dictated by how one can avoid rejection, how one can avoid getting their heart broken, and how one can avoid their fears without confronting them.
Is the fear there for a good reason? Of course. We’ve all been hurt enough times in our lives to know that it’s not a feeling we ever want to feel again. Keep in mind however that your actions say more about you then those around you. Studies have shown that if one partner cheats on their spouse, they are much more likely to worry about the other partner cheating. Similarly, if the way you act toward women is motivated in any way by fear, it makes it much more likely that the other person will feel wary of you.
While we don’t live in a dating utopia, you can still create one for yourself. Take a good look at your own behaviors toward women. Which are motivated by your own genuine desire for them and which are motivated by your fear of rejection or fear of being hurt? Maybe you just want to talk to a girl again but you’re afraid she’ll say “no” when you ask for her number. Maybe you just want to kiss her but instead you wait around for an obvious signal that never comes instead of just telling her. Maybe you apologize for your natural thoughts and behaviors because you’re afraid of how people will react to them. Make a little list for yourself and do whatever you can to destroy those behaviors which are holding you back. As you let your unbridled fearlessness show, you will influence the men and women around you to drop their guards a bit and be more open to go after what they want.
This second there is a wonderful woman worried that she’ll never find a decent guy. Will you approach her with fear and cause her to raise her defenses higher? Or will you be the man to show her that it’s okay to lower those defenses and just enjoy the moment. Facing your fear and pushing past it certainly isn’t an easy thing, but then again, being a man never is. The world may have lost it’s chance at a dating utopia, but that will just make you stand out that much more when you’re a man who defies it.