How to Take Her Off the Pedestal

‘Whenever I see a woman I’m attracted to I automatically put her on a pedestal, and I’m not sure how to change that… You’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that a simply beautiful woman does not have more social value than a confident man (there’s beauty everywhere). I understand this logically, but I don’t ‘feel’ like it. Any insight you can provide on how to move closer to that ideal is greatly appreciated.’

I hear this question a lot. Helen of Troy, beauty pageants, and just about every movie we’ve ever watched tells us the same thing: female physical beauty is the most valuable thing in our society. How then, do I not feel inferior to a woman I find beautiful?

The problem isn’t a logical one, so logical attempts to solve it won’t work. You can read that JP Morgan CEO letter to the gold-digger all you want. You can beat your chest and logically tell yourself that physical beauty isn’t the most valuable thing.

When you see someone who makes your heart beat out of your chest however, those thoughts fly out the window. The false confidence disappears. You now wonder what someone like you could possibly do to attract someone like her. You hesitate and feel like a loser, validating the pedestal you put her on (or the hole you put yourself in.)

This isn’t a logical challenge, but an emotional one.

When you see someone who triggers feelings of arousal this can often be overwhelming. Men are often taught that their sexual feelings are off-putting. Erections in class are the stuff of nightmares. “Creepy” is one of the worst labels we can receive. We’ve been trained to repress our feelings of arousal and instead try to “say the right thing”.

When we become turned on in a social situation, anxiety typically follows. This triggers shortness of breath, a tightening in our chest, and a flood of distracting thoughts in our brain. Just like having a drink, this physical tensing and distraction via thought serves to numb the uncomfortable feelings. The analysis we think is helping us is actually cutting off our sexuality.

When a guy avoids his sexual feelings he appears tense, uncomfortable and asexual. All he’s really saying is, “I’m uncomfortable with myself.” He’s essentially telling yourself that his sexuality is bad. This in turn kills any opportunity for his interactions to have sexual chemistry.

After a cordial yet asexual encounter a guy might get a phone number (because she’s nice.) He gets upset when she gets “flaky”. He blames his texting when his asexuality and inability to read the vibe is the real culprit.

A man who’s comfortable with his sexuality doesn’t know what the friend zone is.

Women understand guys like that are a rarity so they make the first move. They’re the guys who always seem to be dating the kind of women you’d love to date. They seem to do it without trying as you wonder what their secret is.

These men understand something that most guys don’t: The thing women are looking for first and foremost in a romantic encounter is sexual chemistry! It doesn’t matter how much you laughed or how much you had in common. If you don’t have that, she might want to be friends but she won’t want a second date.

Why do women seem to date a lot of assholes?

Because the few guys who are swimming in options either settle down, or take advantage of their endless options. The latter sometimes become assholes. As women get older they’ll often re-prioritize this sexual chemistry under more stable attributes. Deep down though, she still wants a man with both!

Men who are comfortable with their sexuality forget about the pedestal. They realize the only thing that matters is the emotional connection — the chemistry. They’re some of the few men who speak the language. Therefore they know they don’t have much, if any competition in the single market.

Again, this is an emotional challenge. Overcoming it begins the moment you see someone who triggers your feelings of arousal. First take care of the tension in your chest. Take deep breaths and pull your shoulders back. Roll your neck around and just make your body feel as comfortable as possible in the moment.

Now it’s time to get more comfortable with ourselves. As you continue to breath deeply, listen to and embrace whatever’s happening in your body. Surrender to the discomfort. The more you feel that anxiety, the faster those feelings will begin to relax.

The final step is simply to enjoy the remaining sexual feelings in your body as much as possible. Don’t forget the deep breaths. Relax even more and see how much you can enjoy that moment without worrying about where it’s going next.

If you’re fully satisfied by your feelings women will be drawn. If you always need more they’ll be gone.

Of course, if you happen to make eye contact during this symphony of pleasurable feelings then a simple smile in appreciation is only fitting.

In those moments where our feelings are truly overwhelming, it can be difficult to not tense up and let our heads run. That’s why it’s important to practice being more comfortable with the feelings in your body in situations that aren’t quite as intimidating. I’ll say meditation again like a broken record. You should also practice noticing less overwhelming levels of sexual feelings triggered in your body. Take deep breaths and enjoy your feelings as much as possible in those situations. Practice sharing appreciation.

The more you practice these things (or sign up for live coaching) the sooner you’ll be able to confidentially look your version of a “10” in the eyes. She’ll feel the whirlwind of sexual feelings and nothing more than the appreciation in your smile. Suddenly you’re no longer surprised when women are approaching you.

18 thoughts on “How to Take Her Off the Pedestal

  1. Good article, Nick. It’s always tough to bridge the gap of understanding to guys with a little less reference experience. You have some good insights here.

    There are two notable things I’ve done to completely eliminate my past tendency of putting women on a pedestal:

    1. Adopting the belief that “I am enough”
    When you honestly believe that you are enough, no woman is out of your league. There is no pedestal, because that would signify that a woman is somewhat out of your reach. This belief isn’t exactly easy to adopt, but it becomes easier as you develop yourself and add the necessary balance to your life.

    2. Having Standards
    This is huge as well. Know what you want in a woman. Figure out which qualities are most important to you. She either meets your standards or she doesn’t. There is no pedestal, just a equal exchange of value.

    • Hi Dave, your second point struck a chord with me. I once had a romance with a woman who had an amazing capacity for intimacy and putting her trust in me. It was incredibly intense in a good way. I experienced a heart-to-heart level of intimacy that I’d never experienced before and I wish I had many years ago.

      Since then, I have placed less value on a woman’s looks (though this still holds some importance for me) and ALOT more on their character, their capacity to have deeper more intelligent conversations and I also place more emphasis on ‘what does she want from ME?’. I value heart connections alot more now. I have a much clearer idea of what I want from any woman I meet.

      The spin-off from this, kind of a bonus, is that women have more respect for me and ‘rate’ me higher, I think. Not that they didn’t before, but it’s even better now. I also seem to have more attraction more often with women and I think this is because I’m looking past their looks more and trying to connect with them as people. That’s what most women are looking for most of the time.

      • Good to hear Andy. Yeah, it’s a great way to stand out when you are able to look past their looks and focus on their character. Looks are a factor, but just a part of the equation. Do I still want a beautiful woman? Yes, absolutely. But simply being beautiful does not mean she meets my standards, I still need to dig deeper.

        The thing with beautiful women is that most guys have put them on a pedestal their whole lives. These guys seem like absolute idiots, to put it bluntly, because they’re too busy oogling at her physical appearance to ever find out or be interested in anything else about her. When you have standards, you immediately become interested in MORE than looks, and that sets you apart from other guys. That’s how you break through the huge bitch shield she’s had to build up over the years after dealing with all the complete idiots.

      • Well, I think ‘idiots’ is a bit harsh, I’ve never considered myself and idiot but we’ve all been there. I know what you mean though.

        Of course, guys are shooting themselves in the foot, without even realising it. By seeing them as higher value it affects the interaction and you never actually get to see the kind sweethearted person who lies underneath that beautiful exterior. You’ve potentially just missed out on meeting a really great person.

      • It’s a good point – of course not necessarily that anyone is an idiot but that the behavior is idiotic and unworthy of respect.

        Excellent point btw – I completely forgot about it and absolutely had to edit my article to accommodate it. Thanks to both of you for adding so much value!

    • Ha, definitely group hug – and I think we can just leave it at the fact that we’re all pretty badass guys 😉

  2. Nick-

    First off– Having bought Unbreakable in my single days, I fully agree with your positive approach to interacting with women. Currently, I am in a committed relationship and am not looking to find any new “female companion”. I nevertheless continue to enjoy reading your posts; from the standpoint of the psychology and behavioral science! So keep ’em coming.

    I happened to re-watch the 40-Year-Old Virgin a few weeks ago. (Too young to fully appreciate the humor the first time around…) To me, *general* social awkwardness seemed to be Steve Carrell’s character’s greatest stumbling block–not just in talking to women. While he was, in a sense, “putting women on a pedestal,” he was paralyzed by being socially underdeveloped.

    I completely agree with your advice to develop professionally/personally/spiritually, rather than focusing on “How can I get a girlfriend?” Relying on tactics and formulas incongruent with your greater self are inherently dissatisfying… Outside of purely sexual encounters/one-night stands, of course.

    Rather than rambling, I’ll sign off with a short clip of a child portraying the ridiculousness of all the “pick-up” strategies you and TSM have rightly avoided:

    http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/127253/wonder-showzen-how-to-get-a-girlfriend.jhtml#id=1539536

    • That’s for writing Ryan. I’m glad you’re enjoying the articles, and I completely agree with your 40 y/o Virgin analysis.

      Funny video – definitely not what I was expecting =)

  3. Nick,
    I want to thank you for posting this article and the members for the other commments because this topic is very relevant and helpful for me. I’m dating a model right now and I made the mistake of thinking of her as higher value at the very beginning. When I realized I was wrong to think this way, things got better. I asked her so many questions to get to know her and she gladly opened up and helped move the interaction forward. I opened up to her and told her things I don’t tell many people, she did the same in return. I’ve found that she has interests, passions and goals unrelated to her career– she’s just a NORMAL girl that is actually tired of the b.s. that her looks and career come with. She loves simple things like hitting up a local neighborhood dive bar. We’re planning on going iceskating and taking walks around the city which we both love to do. I brought up my niece’s upcoming Sunday School Christmas Play that I’m playing guitar for and she wants to come watch. I’m not sure how you guys feel, but I think it doesn’t get any more normal and down-to-earth than that. I’ve watched guys with pre-conceived notions judge her because of their own ignorance just fall on their faces, but it was good because it also gave me the chance to defend her. ‘So far’ she meets my standards and I’m really enjoying seeing her.

    Improving myself has made me feel an increase in value. The courage to take action and follow through until I got results was a game changer. I previously fed myself with the same daily garbage of ‘there’s nothing I can do to change things’. My upbringing almost ‘preached’ that kind of poison and I think it seriously diminished my value. I even saw that kind of attitude in my ex-girl friend and I guess I was attracted to that way of thinking. It was really tough to break away and put that behind me. Since I’ve taken action to improve all areas of my life, I’ve changed everything. I’ve lost 32lbs (still far from my goal), I approach many women now and have great conversations and connections on any random night out. I get a lot of respect from other guys. My friends have conversations about my ‘transformation’ and I get random compliments from people I just met. I try to surround myself with fellow ‘do-ers’ who have the confidence in themselves to make things happen. I’m much happier and perceive myself as very high-value today because of constant action to improve myself (a life-long journey).

    • I couldn’t be happier to hear everything Mike, thanks for posting. Your drive is definitely inspirational. And she sounds awesome, does she have any friends? 😉

      Good luck with everything!

  4. I love this article.

    Definitely something that seems to come and go in waves. At certain points, there will be no pedestal, at other times, it is seemingly a mountain.

    This of course, only further illuminates the fact that the pedestal is something I create internally. It is lessened when I am feeling confident and good about myself, and it grows when I am having a bad day (or am immensely hungover).

    Cheers

    • I always say the only walls between us are the walls we create. And good point about how a bad day (for whatever reason) and make it more difficult not to get clouded.

      Cheers!

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