‘Whenever I see a woman I’m attracted to I automatically put her on a pedestal, and I’m not sure how to change that… You’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that a simply beautiful woman does not have more social value than a confident man (there’s beauty everywhere). I understand this logically, but I don’t ‘feel’ like it. Any insight you can provide on how to move closer to that ideal is greatly appreciated.’
I hear this question a lot. Helen of Troy, beauty pageants, and just about every movie we’ve ever watched tells us the same thing: female physical beauty is the most valuable thing in our society. How then, do I not feel inferior to a woman I find beautiful?
The problem isn’t a logical one, so logical attempts to solve it won’t work. You can read that JP Morgan CEO letter to the gold-digger all you want. You can beat your chest and logically tell yourself that physical beauty isn’t the most valuable thing.
When you see someone who makes your heart beat out of your chest however, those thoughts fly out the window. The false confidence disappears. You now wonder what someone like you could possibly do to attract someone like her. You hesitate and feel like a loser, validating the pedestal you put her on (or the hole you put yourself in.)
This isn’t a logical challenge, but an emotional one.
When you see someone who triggers feelings of arousal this can often be overwhelming. Men are often taught that their sexual feelings are off-putting. Erections in class are the stuff of nightmares. “Creepy” is one of the worst labels we can receive. We’ve been trained to repress our feelings of arousal and instead try to “say the right thing”.
When we become turned on in a social situation, anxiety typically follows. This triggers shortness of breath, a tightening in our chest, and a flood of distracting thoughts in our brain. Just like having a drink, this physical tensing and distraction via thought serves to numb the uncomfortable feelings. The analysis we think is helping us is actually cutting off our sexuality.
When a guy avoids his sexual feelings he appears tense, uncomfortable and asexual. All he’s really saying is, “I’m uncomfortable with myself.” He’s essentially telling yourself that his sexuality is bad. This in turn kills any opportunity for his interactions to have sexual chemistry.
After a cordial yet asexual encounter a guy might get a phone number (because she’s nice.) He gets upset when she gets “flaky”. He blames his texting when his asexuality and inability to read the vibe is the real culprit.
A man who’s comfortable with his sexuality doesn’t know what the friend zone is.
Women understand guys like that are a rarity so they make the first move. They’re the guys who always seem to be dating the kind of women you’d love to date. They seem to do it without trying as you wonder what their secret is.
These men understand something that most guys don’t: The thing women are looking for first and foremost in a romantic encounter is sexual chemistry! It doesn’t matter how much you laughed or how much you had in common. If you don’t have that, she might want to be friends but she won’t want a second date.
Why do women seem to date a lot of assholes?
Because the few guys who are swimming in options either settle down, or take advantage of their endless options. The latter sometimes become assholes. As women get older they’ll often re-prioritize this sexual chemistry under more stable attributes. Deep down though, she still wants a man with both!
Men who are comfortable with their sexuality forget about the pedestal. They realize the only thing that matters is the emotional connection — the chemistry. They’re some of the few men who speak the language. Therefore they know they don’t have much, if any competition in the single market.
Again, this is an emotional challenge. Overcoming it begins the moment you see someone who triggers your feelings of arousal. First take care of the tension in your chest. Take deep breaths and pull your shoulders back. Roll your neck around and just make your body feel as comfortable as possible in the moment.
Now it’s time to get more comfortable with ourselves. As you continue to breath deeply, listen to and embrace whatever’s happening in your body. Surrender to the discomfort. The more you feel that anxiety, the faster those feelings will begin to relax.
The final step is simply to enjoy the remaining sexual feelings in your body as much as possible. Don’t forget the deep breaths. Relax even more and see how much you can enjoy that moment without worrying about where it’s going next.
If you’re fully satisfied by your feelings women will be drawn. If you always need more they’ll be gone.
Of course, if you happen to make eye contact during this symphony of pleasurable feelings then a simple smile in appreciation is only fitting.
In those moments where our feelings are truly overwhelming, it can be difficult to not tense up and let our heads run. That’s why it’s important to practice being more comfortable with the feelings in your body in situations that aren’t quite as intimidating. I’ll say meditation again like a broken record. You should also practice noticing less overwhelming levels of sexual feelings triggered in your body. Take deep breaths and enjoy your feelings as much as possible in those situations. Practice sharing appreciation.
The more you practice these things (or sign up for live coaching) the sooner you’ll be able to confidentially look your version of a “10” in the eyes. She’ll feel the whirlwind of sexual feelings and nothing more than the appreciation in your smile. Suddenly you’re no longer surprised when women are approaching you.