Are You Rejecting Women Without Realizing It?

I’m willing to bet that you’ve rejected a ton of women without even realizing it. Don’t believe me? Let me explain how:

When a woman is attracted to you she’ll give you some signals, consciously or not. These signals include nervousness, strong eye contact, filling in the blanks in conversation (you’re leaving blanks for her to fill right?), turning to face you, and a big, genuine smile. These signals are the equivalent of her saying “I like you”.

Have you ever told someone you liked them and they didn’t return the sentiment? How did it feel? This is exactly how you made every women feel who gave you these signals if you didn’t say “I like you too” in some way, shape or form. How do we say “I like you too”? Simple, we take any action that moves the relationship to a deeper, or more romantic place – basically it’s your way of saying “I like you too”.

We can express our sexual desire through the look in our eye or by asking her out. If you don’t though, either because you’re not interested or you’re afraid of “messing things up” or whatever excuse your fear gives you, then you’re basically telling her, “thanks but no thanks”. You’re rejecting her.

Let’s be honest, if you’re waiting for a stronger signal from her before you make your move, what you’re really doing is waiting for her to make the move for you. Most women won’t, and as a female colleague likes to say, she’ll sometimes make the move because most guys in our society are too afraid to, but every time she does, ‘a little part of her dies inside’. Even if they’re not dying, most women will become significantly less attracted to you if they have to make the move because you’re too afraid to.

I will admit, the signals women give can sometimes be a bit confusing. The signals that indicate she’s attracted to you are nearly identical to when she’s just being very friendly. In fact, colleagues who coach women tell me that one of the most common pieces of advice they give is for them to give guys stronger signals. So, how do we tell the difference? Easy, we make a (mild) move. I’m not saying to smack her ass at this point, but some stronger eye contact that’s connected to our feelings or direct verbalization of those feelings will give you your answer immediately. If those signals get stronger, stay with that feeling. If she becomes uncomfortable, back off.

As I always say, a woman will forgive you for pushing a little too far as long as you respect those boundaries, but she’ll never “forgive you” for being too afraid to make a move. Sure, I’ve gotten ‘the cheek’ much more than once after trying to go in for a kiss, but every time the woman was more attracted to me – or at least respected me more – for making a move. Also, keep in mind that as with any new behavior you’re looking to add – you’re going to do it awkwardly at first. It’s the only way to learn. Luckily women are so sick of guys being too afraid to go for it that they’ll be comically forgiving of any guy who has the balls to do it awkwardly – and you’ll get a ton more positive responses than if you don’t do anything.

The only question is, when are you going to stop waiting for her to do the hard work for you and start taking on the role society has deemed for you?

How to Take Her Off the Pedestal

‘Whenever I see a woman I’m attracted to I automatically put her on a pedestal, and I’m not sure how to change that… You’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that a simply beautiful woman does not have more social value than a confident man (there’s beauty everywhere). I understand this logically, but I don’t ‘feel’ like it. Any insight you can provide on how to move closer to that ideal is greatly appreciated.’

I hear this question a lot. Helen of Troy, beauty pageants, and just about every movie we’ve ever watched tells us the same thing: female physical beauty is the most valuable thing in our society. How then, do I not feel inferior to a woman I find beautiful?

The problem isn’t a logical one, so logical attempts to solve it won’t work. You can read that JP Morgan CEO letter to the gold-digger all you want. You can beat your chest and logically tell yourself that physical beauty isn’t the most valuable thing.

When you see someone who makes your heart beat out of your chest however, those thoughts fly out the window. The false confidence disappears. You now wonder what someone like you could possibly do to attract someone like her. You hesitate and feel like a loser, validating the pedestal you put her on (or the hole you put yourself in.)

This isn’t a logical challenge, but an emotional one.

When you see someone who triggers feelings of arousal this can often be overwhelming. Men are often taught that their sexual feelings are off-putting. Erections in class are the stuff of nightmares. “Creepy” is one of the worst labels we can receive. We’ve been trained to repress our feelings of arousal and instead try to “say the right thing”.

When we become turned on in a social situation, anxiety typically follows. This triggers shortness of breath, a tightening in our chest, and a flood of distracting thoughts in our brain. Just like having a drink, this physical tensing and distraction via thought serves to numb the uncomfortable feelings. The analysis we think is helping us is actually cutting off our sexuality.

When a guy avoids his sexual feelings he appears tense, uncomfortable and asexual. All he’s really saying is, “I’m uncomfortable with myself.” He’s essentially telling yourself that his sexuality is bad. This in turn kills any opportunity for his interactions to have sexual chemistry.

After a cordial yet asexual encounter a guy might get a phone number (because she’s nice.) He gets upset when she gets “flaky”. He blames his texting when his asexuality and inability to read the vibe is the real culprit.

A man who’s comfortable with his sexuality doesn’t know what the friend zone is.

Women understand guys like that are a rarity so they make the first move. They’re the guys who always seem to be dating the kind of women you’d love to date. They seem to do it without trying as you wonder what their secret is.

These men understand something that most guys don’t: The thing women are looking for first and foremost in a romantic encounter is sexual chemistry! It doesn’t matter how much you laughed or how much you had in common. If you don’t have that, she might want to be friends but she won’t want a second date.

Why do women seem to date a lot of assholes?

Because the few guys who are swimming in options either settle down, or take advantage of their endless options. The latter sometimes become assholes. As women get older they’ll often re-prioritize this sexual chemistry under more stable attributes. Deep down though, she still wants a man with both!

Men who are comfortable with their sexuality forget about the pedestal. They realize the only thing that matters is the emotional connection — the chemistry. They’re some of the few men who speak the language. Therefore they know they don’t have much, if any competition in the single market.

Again, this is an emotional challenge. Overcoming it begins the moment you see someone who triggers your feelings of arousal. First take care of the tension in your chest. Take deep breaths and pull your shoulders back. Roll your neck around and just make your body feel as comfortable as possible in the moment.

Now it’s time to get more comfortable with ourselves. As you continue to breath deeply, listen to and embrace whatever’s happening in your body. Surrender to the discomfort. The more you feel that anxiety, the faster those feelings will begin to relax.

The final step is simply to enjoy the remaining sexual feelings in your body as much as possible. Don’t forget the deep breaths. Relax even more and see how much you can enjoy that moment without worrying about where it’s going next.

If you’re fully satisfied by your feelings women will be drawn. If you always need more they’ll be gone.

Of course, if you happen to make eye contact during this symphony of pleasurable feelings then a simple smile in appreciation is only fitting.

In those moments where our feelings are truly overwhelming, it can be difficult to not tense up and let our heads run. That’s why it’s important to practice being more comfortable with the feelings in your body in situations that aren’t quite as intimidating. I’ll say meditation again like a broken record. You should also practice noticing less overwhelming levels of sexual feelings triggered in your body. Take deep breaths and enjoy your feelings as much as possible in those situations. Practice sharing appreciation.

The more you practice these things (or sign up for live coaching) the sooner you’ll be able to confidentially look your version of a “10” in the eyes. She’ll feel the whirlwind of sexual feelings and nothing more than the appreciation in your smile. Suddenly you’re no longer surprised when women are approaching you.