A lot of the questions I receive regarding confidence have the same answer.
“Why do some situations overwhelm me?”
“Why do I mess things up with the women I’m most attracted to?”
“How do I get her to like me?”
These questions are rooted in the same issue:
You’re not comfortable with yourself.
Specifically, when you face a person or situation that triggers a large quantity of emotion in your body, you interpret this burst of energy as bad. You might tell yourself you feel awkward, nervous, or uncomfortable, but you’re sending yourself the same message: “This energy is bad. Part of me is bad. Something is wrong with me.” This is the message that subconsciously gets sent to everyone who sees you when you feel overwhelmed and attempt to “play it cool”.
Achieving greater confidence involves reversing your interpretation of that energy. It shouldn’t be difficult once you realize what you’re giving up either. In fact, it’s quite damning to refer to that burst of emotion as awkward or uncomfortable.That tension is your power!
If you attempt to dampen and hide your emotions around others then they’ll trust you less and raise their walls higher. They can’t feel you and so they feel less comfortable around you. If you look someone in the eye while being vulnerable with that tension that we all feel then they’ll usually open up more.
This is the root of sexuality.
Men will often try to mute their sexual feelings to avoid making anyone uncomfortable. This leads to awkward, frustrated attempts to express interest after a period of perceived friendliness. The woman feels creeped out and the guy doesn’t feel like women could ever find him attractive.
A man must look at a woman while being fully vulnerable with the sexual feelings and tension she makes him feel in his body (deep breaths really help). A small percentage of women will do this for a guy first and make him feel comfortable being sexual. Most won’t.
You usually have to put your emotions out there first with the confidence that your okay. You have to take some deep breaths and look someone in the eye as if to say, “I’m feeling all of these crazy feelings right now, and it’s okay. I’m okay. I can handle it. It’s exhilarating and it feels amazing. Thank you for the experience.”
At this point, she can join you in the flirtation and give you a look that makes the sexual tension jump higher. Or she can close up and give you the signal to stop being vulnerable with your emotions with her. If you never put your feelings out there though, then you’re just waiting for the women who have the courage to put themselves out there and flirt with you first. If you don’t look at a woman with that feeling of interest present in your body then she’ll never feel any sexual tension with you.
“Making eye contact while attempting to hide your emotions is worthless.”
This is a process of telling yourself that it’s okay to be the way you were made. It’s okay that certain people trigger a lot of emotion in you. You should enjoy feelings you were meant to enjoy. It’s okay to be vulnerable with those feelings as long as you listen to and respect the other person’s response to them. You’re awesome and you deserve to share yourself with others.
We attract people and situations that trigger overwhelming levels of emotion when we’re ready for that challenge. It’s an opportunity to learn to handle more energy, or learn to draw stronger boundaries around certain people or situations.
The next time that burst of energy hits you don’t run from it. Don’t jump into your head and start thinking unhealthy thoughts. Don’t try to take action like a robot. Making eye contact while attempting to hide your emotions is worthless. Instead, take some deep breaths and stop demonizing your power. Take another breath and step into it. Feel it as strongly as you can and tell yourself that you’re alright.
Start by looking people in the eye while being as vulnerable as possible with that “nervous” emotional energy (or just speed up the process with live coaching.) You’ll be amazed by the responses you receive when you’re comfortable with all of yourself and sharing that fearlessly. Allow people to feel you and your social and sexual confidence issues will disappear.