I hear this one from guys all the time. Whether it be from guys I’m working with directly, or scattered in 1000’s of posts from men in every forum dedicated to figuring out how to talk to women: “I didn’t know what to say”.
Specifically, we’re talking about starting a conversation with a stranger or someone we don’t know that well in any number of situations.
The most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to starting conversations is that conversations start on an emotional level before words are spoken.
If we look at someone and they look away with a “please leave me alone” vibe, then the conversation is clear. If you try to say anything verbally after that you’d most likely be met with a “what are you doing?” look for failing to read the communication up to this point.
If, on the other hand, your look is received with a, “hey, how’s it going?” emotional response, then you’d practically be rejecting her if you didn’t take the conversation to a verbal level.
Your look is important of course. If you’re in your head thinking about whatever you’ll probably be giving off an uncomfortable, anti-social feeling and you’ll likely be met with the same. If, on the other hand you’re simply listening, accepting, and surrendering to the feelings in your body and enjoying that emotional experience as you look as someone and smile then you’ll likely be received with more warmth.
Saying something to the people that make us the most nervous without breaking a sweat is still really difficult. That’s why it’s important to practice starting these conversations — first on the emotional level and then saying something when we’re met with positive responses — with everyone we come into contact with.
The more human connection we put out there, the more positive responses and connection we’ll receive. Then we become more confident and more pro-social and more and more people start returning our emotional introductions positively. This becomes a virtuous circle as the pro-social energy we exude becomes more attractive to people who would have been more closed off in the past.
If you’re ever wondering about what to say, you’re forgetting the most important part of every conversation and ignoring those feelings, probably because they feel uncomfortable. Simply take some deep breaths and attempt to enjoy the emotional connections available to you. Make eye contact, share a warm smile, and learn to converse more with the people who want to connect more. As you do so, watch your own social energy radiate to more and more people.