For those not familiar, the “friend zone” is the unfortunate state where a man finds himself when the object of his affection only has platonic feelings for him. The reason I’m writing this article is actually because of a question raised recently in the forums, more specifically the wording he used to ask his question. I believe that his choice of words really highlights where guys go wrong in all of this and gives clues on how to never end up in the friend zone. The part of his wording in question:
“Girls, once they friend-zone you never think of you in a sexual or even a relationship material kinda way, and that bugs me cause 90% of the girls miss out on the great guys just cause they don’t wanna date their friends… “
Do you ever feel or think this way? If so then I hate to tell you, but it’s your fault you’re getting in these situations.
Let’s look a little closer: “once they friend-zone you” – “cause they don’t want to date their friends”. Do you notice what I notice here? This guy is putting all of the decision making power in her hands: ‘she did this’, ‘it’s her choice’. He takes zero responsibility for the unfortunate situation he finds himself in and instead blames it all on her and plays the victim card. I’m not beating up on this gentleman, because I find this type of thinking regarding the friend zone to be more common than not. Women make the choice on whether your friends or more and all you can do is try to be as attractive as possible so she picks the latter. It may be pervasive thinking but it’s bullshit.
Regardless of what you may have been led to believe, the decision whether or not you’re friends with a girl is completely in your hands. Why? Because it’s your job as a man to make a (sexual) move, and if you’re just sitting around for her to give you some obvious sign (read: for her to make the first move) then 99%* of the time you’ll end up as “just friends”. Why? Because you made the decision by not making a move. (*the girls who do make the move for you usually aren’t the girls you really want, but rather the girls you ‘settle’ for)
The vast majority of times a guy ends up in the “friend zone”, it started with a woman being genuinely attracted to him, and she’s wondering whether he likes her as well, of if he’s not attracted and just wants to be friends. Then, probably because he’s afraid to “mess things up”, he doesn’t make a move and she assumes one of two things: 1. He’s not into me, he just wants to be friends; or 2. He’s not confident in expressing his sexuality.
I don’t have to tell you how a lack of confidence is the most unattractive thing in the world to a woman, and if a girl feels “rejected” because you didn’t make a move, you better believe she’s going to protect any feelings of attraction she may have had from being hurt by you again. Like my inspiration for this article said, “once they friendzone you (girls) never think of you in a sexual way” – and it’s usually because they’re afraid to put their feelings out there and get rejected by you again.
Let’s say though that she really was never attracted to me in the first place. For starters, I’ll never go through some long, drawn out, painful process to figure that out. If I’m attracted to a woman, I’m making my feelings known within the first one or two times of us hanging out. Sometimes, believe it or not, women just aren’t attracted to me – that’s just the way it works. I’m okay with that because I know there’s plenty more who are – it’s just science. Sometimes women aren’t ready for a more intimate relationship so they keep any and all guys at a platonic distance – it’s just the way it is.
When a woman isn’t attracted to me, or just isn’t ready for a more intimate relationship, I now have a decision to make: Do I just want to be friends with this person or not? Keep in mind the point though, that it’s still MY decision – every step of the way. If you’re thinking or acting like she has the power in these situations you couldn’t be any more wrong.
To take it back to what started this in the first place, “that bugs me cause 90% of the girls miss out on the great guys just cause they don’t wanna date their friends…”. Now we both know that this is bullshit. 90% of girls may or may not miss out on great guys, but it isn’t because they just don’t want to date their friends. It’s because those guys were too afraid to accept the power – and responsibility that comes with it – that was theirs all along, and instead tried to pass that responsibility on to her. The only question now that you know better is – are you going to let it happen again?