Chapter 19 : How to Escape the “Friendzone”

This is easily one of the most common questions I get. A guy is enamored with a particular woman, does everything to prove that he’s the most perfect boyfriend she could ever have, and then hear the words that many men dread: “I just don’t feel that way about you.”

Keep in mind that I’m not talking about women you’re not interested in dating — I love my female friends! I’m talking about women who you’re attracted to who don’t consider you a sexual being.

While this can inspire frustration, if you find yourself here you usually have no one to blame but yourself.

There are two reasons you may find yourself in the friendzone:

1. She doesn’t feel that way about you for reasons that have nothing to do with you

2. You weren’t comfortable enough with your own sexual feelings to express them

As I mentioned, you can’t do anything about the first scenario. Sometimes people have natural chemistry, and sometimes they don’t.

If you feel a strong sexual pull toward a woman, though, then there’s a solid possibility that she felt it too. While she was waiting for you to create a sexual vibe and make a move, however, you didn’t. The message you sent her was loud and clear: I just want to be friends. It’s ironic that many of the times a guy is frustrated because he got “friendzoned,” he was in fact the one who initially friendzoned her. If you act asexually, you shouldn’t be surprised when she treats you asexually.

You can avoid the friend zone altogether by always expressing your desire when you feel it as I detail in Section Three. If she feels the same way, fantastic. If not, then she’ll still respect you for expressing your natural desire and you’ll never have to suffer through the friendzone limbo. Knowing is always better than not knowing.

Maybe you finally got up the courage to express your interested after a few weeks, months, or even years of knowing her, but you shot her down by not expressing your feelings when they initially occurred so she stopped considering you in that light a long time ago. Maybe you tried to act sexual with your words or actions but repressed — or didn’t know how to create — a sexual vibe so she just awkwardly laughed off your attempts. In either case, expressing your feelings late will be more likely to create a romantic connection than not expressing them at all.

Don’t try to make some big speech about how you like her. Instead simply stop repressing/deflecting sexual feelings when they arise. It’s important to distinguish between feelings that arise in the moment vs feelings you have because you’ve been obsessing over her and subconsciously see her as a means to fill that emptiness that all human beings feel. Are sexual feelings not arising naturally when you’re interacting with her? Then it’s time to question whether you are actually attracted to her or more to the idea of her that you’ve created. When those feelings do arise, then you simply have to express them in all the ways discussed in Section 3.

If the natural chemistry is there she’ll probably reciprocate your feelings and you can enjoy the relationship you wanted in the first place but were too afraid to allow to happen. If not, then you still have one more option to escape the “friendzone”: to walk away. If there is an actual connection there that she’s just not up for exploring for whatever reason, but you can’t help but become more an more enamored with her the more time you spend with her, then it’s probably best to take some space from the relationship for yourself to kill any romantic feelings you have for her with fire. Then, you can decide, without conflicting emotions, whether you’re able to have a friendship or if spending more time with her will just reignite all of those feelings and continue an unhealthy cycle.

I will say though, when you have an amazing connection with someone, you should try to have a relationship. Even if you weren’t meant to be romantically involved at this point in time, at the very least, I believe, you were meant to learn something from each other. While the relationship may sometimes need space in order to grow in a healthy manner, don’t be quick to write it off for good.

Either way, the choice to remain in the ‘friendzone’ or not is yours. It’s time to stop feeling powerless in these situations and time to start taking ownership of your relationships.