How to Take Her Off the Pedestal

This article was inspired by a question in the forums:

‘Whenever I see a good looking woman I automatically put her value above mine, and I’m not sure how to adjust that… You’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that a hot girl doesn’t have the most value (there are hot girls everywhere). I understand this logically, but I don’t ‘feel’ like it. Any insight you can provide on how to move closer to that ideal is greatly appreciated.’

Listen to these guys

Unfortunately, he isn’t the only gentleman who feels this way. Society, for thousands of years, has carried this idea that beautiful women are the most valuable things on the planet. A war was fought over the beauty that was Helen of Troy. All popular fairy tales have the prince, through his valiant efforts, living happily after ever with a princess who is typically described as ‘the most beautiful woman in the land’ – the ultimate prize. The popular film “40 Year-Old Virgin” discusses this tendency to put women on a pedestal… although they use a bit more colorful language to do so.

Because of our cultural conditioning, taking a woman off of that pedestal can be easier said than done, however the “how to” can be broken down into two steps:

1. Realize that her ‘pedestal’ is crumbling. Aside from the fact that there’s easily a million beautiful women in the world and not as many confident men, the other factor that shows how fictional her pedestal is is the fact that it’s temporary. People get old – looks fade. She may be at the top of the mountain looks-wise for now, but it won’t be more than ten years before her looks fall back to the median and she’s replaced by the never-ending waves of young girls who are popping up to take her place. Of course you have to be physically attracted to your partner, but if you choose a mate based solely on looks, it’ll only be a matter of time before you realize how short-sighted of a decision that was.

Women are far more aware of this than any guy (hang out with older women if you really want this to sink in). While we’re mesmerized by the beauty of the moment – they know their clock is ticking and are mindful of the millions of younger girls ready and eager to take their place. Some women try to take advantage of their time on top for as long as they can, sitting in denial of the future and their inevitable rude awakening. Other women accept this and develop themselves outside of their looks and find partners who champion these other characteristics instead of those that will fade. Who are you after?

EDIT: As Dave P reminded me in the comments, this is also an issue of what kind of standards you have for yourself. Are you willing to overlook things you dislike about a woman’s character or personality – things that don’t fade with time – because she’s “hot”? All women are attracted to a man who has standards for himself. Desiring a woman solely based on her looks shows you don’t.

2. ‘Raise’ your own pedestal. Would you consider yourself a ‘10’? Would you say that you’re one of the most attractive potential mates a woman could choose? Check back on the recent article I wrote and be honest about what you have to work on.

Are you taking care of your body? The vast majority of guys can get themselves to at least an ‘8’ looks wise by just getting themselves in great shape. And luckily for us, women don’t place nearly as much relative value on looks as we do. Have you developed yourself professionally, socially, and spiritually? If not, then how can you expect to attract a woman who’s put twice as much effort into developing herself?

The path may be simple, but it certainly isn’t easy. Developing yourself into the best person you can be is already a daunting task. On top of that, in order for the stuff about the crumbling pedestal to really sink in – so you believe it instead of just understanding it logically – you have to go out and have experiences with the women who intimidate you most. Only through doing so will you see that while some of them are lost in the denial of the fiction they’re living in, many more will be amazing women who are developing themselves and looking for someone who isn’t intimidated by them and the lies we’ve all been raised with. They just want someone they ‘click’ with like anyone else. This can be you as soon as you realize your own potential value and stop buying into the great lie of physical beauty.

18 thoughts on “How to Take Her Off the Pedestal

  1. Good article, Nick. It’s always tough to bridge the gap of understanding to guys with a little less reference experience. You have some good insights here.

    There are two notable things I’ve done to completely eliminate my past tendency of putting women on a pedestal:

    1. Adopting the belief that “I am enough”
    When you honestly believe that you are enough, no woman is out of your league. There is no pedestal, because that would signify that a woman is somewhat out of your reach. This belief isn’t exactly easy to adopt, but it becomes easier as you develop yourself and add the necessary balance to your life.

    2. Having Standards
    This is huge as well. Know what you want in a woman. Figure out which qualities are most important to you. She either meets your standards or she doesn’t. There is no pedestal, just a equal exchange of value.

    • Hi Dave, your second point struck a chord with me. I once had a romance with a woman who had an amazing capacity for intimacy and putting her trust in me. It was incredibly intense in a good way. I experienced a heart-to-heart level of intimacy that I’d never experienced before and I wish I had many years ago.

      Since then, I have placed less value on a woman’s looks (though this still holds some importance for me) and ALOT more on their character, their capacity to have deeper more intelligent conversations and I also place more emphasis on ‘what does she want from ME?’. I value heart connections alot more now. I have a much clearer idea of what I want from any woman I meet.

      The spin-off from this, kind of a bonus, is that women have more respect for me and ‘rate’ me higher, I think. Not that they didn’t before, but it’s even better now. I also seem to have more attraction more often with women and I think this is because I’m looking past their looks more and trying to connect with them as people. That’s what most women are looking for most of the time.

      • Good to hear Andy. Yeah, it’s a great way to stand out when you are able to look past their looks and focus on their character. Looks are a factor, but just a part of the equation. Do I still want a beautiful woman? Yes, absolutely. But simply being beautiful does not mean she meets my standards, I still need to dig deeper.

        The thing with beautiful women is that most guys have put them on a pedestal their whole lives. These guys seem like absolute idiots, to put it bluntly, because they’re too busy oogling at her physical appearance to ever find out or be interested in anything else about her. When you have standards, you immediately become interested in MORE than looks, and that sets you apart from other guys. That’s how you break through the huge bitch shield she’s had to build up over the years after dealing with all the complete idiots.

      • Well, I think ‘idiots’ is a bit harsh, I’ve never considered myself and idiot but we’ve all been there. I know what you mean though.

        Of course, guys are shooting themselves in the foot, without even realising it. By seeing them as higher value it affects the interaction and you never actually get to see the kind sweethearted person who lies underneath that beautiful exterior. You’ve potentially just missed out on meeting a really great person.

      • It’s a good point – of course not necessarily that anyone is an idiot but that the behavior is idiotic and unworthy of respect.

        Excellent point btw – I completely forgot about it and absolutely had to edit my article to accommodate it. Thanks to both of you for adding so much value!

  2. Nick-

    First off– Having bought Unbreakable in my single days, I fully agree with your positive approach to interacting with women. Currently, I am in a committed relationship and am not looking to find any new “female companion”. I nevertheless continue to enjoy reading your posts; from the standpoint of the psychology and behavioral science! So keep ’em coming.

    I happened to re-watch the 40-Year-Old Virgin a few weeks ago. (Too young to fully appreciate the humor the first time around…) To me, *general* social awkwardness seemed to be Steve Carrell’s character’s greatest stumbling block–not just in talking to women. While he was, in a sense, “putting women on a pedestal,” he was paralyzed by being socially underdeveloped.

    I completely agree with your advice to develop professionally/personally/spiritually, rather than focusing on “How can I get a girlfriend?” Relying on tactics and formulas incongruent with your greater self are inherently dissatisfying… Outside of purely sexual encounters/one-night stands, of course.

    Rather than rambling, I’ll sign off with a short clip of a child portraying the ridiculousness of all the “pick-up” strategies you and TSM have rightly avoided:

    http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/127253/wonder-showzen-how-to-get-a-girlfriend.jhtml#id=1539536

    • That’s for writing Ryan. I’m glad you’re enjoying the articles, and I completely agree with your 40 y/o Virgin analysis.

      Funny video – definitely not what I was expecting =)

  3. Nick,
    I want to thank you for posting this article and the members for the other commments because this topic is very relevant and helpful for me. I’m dating a model right now and I made the mistake of thinking of her as higher value at the very beginning. When I realized I was wrong to think this way, things got better. I asked her so many questions to get to know her and she gladly opened up and helped move the interaction forward. I opened up to her and told her things I don’t tell many people, she did the same in return. I’ve found that she has interests, passions and goals unrelated to her career– she’s just a NORMAL girl that is actually tired of the b.s. that her looks and career come with. She loves simple things like hitting up a local neighborhood dive bar. We’re planning on going iceskating and taking walks around the city which we both love to do. I brought up my niece’s upcoming Sunday School Christmas Play that I’m playing guitar for and she wants to come watch. I’m not sure how you guys feel, but I think it doesn’t get any more normal and down-to-earth than that. I’ve watched guys with pre-conceived notions judge her because of their own ignorance just fall on their faces, but it was good because it also gave me the chance to defend her. ‘So far’ she meets my standards and I’m really enjoying seeing her.

    Improving myself has made me feel an increase in value. The courage to take action and follow through until I got results was a game changer. I previously fed myself with the same daily garbage of ‘there’s nothing I can do to change things’. My upbringing almost ‘preached’ that kind of poison and I think it seriously diminished my value. I even saw that kind of attitude in my ex-girl friend and I guess I was attracted to that way of thinking. It was really tough to break away and put that behind me. Since I’ve taken action to improve all areas of my life, I’ve changed everything. I’ve lost 32lbs (still far from my goal), I approach many women now and have great conversations and connections on any random night out. I get a lot of respect from other guys. My friends have conversations about my ‘transformation’ and I get random compliments from people I just met. I try to surround myself with fellow ‘do-ers’ who have the confidence in themselves to make things happen. I’m much happier and perceive myself as very high-value today because of constant action to improve myself (a life-long journey).

    • I couldn’t be happier to hear everything Mike, thanks for posting. Your drive is definitely inspirational. And she sounds awesome, does she have any friends? 😉

      Good luck with everything!

  4. I love this article.

    Definitely something that seems to come and go in waves. At certain points, there will be no pedestal, at other times, it is seemingly a mountain.

    This of course, only further illuminates the fact that the pedestal is something I create internally. It is lessened when I am feeling confident and good about myself, and it grows when I am having a bad day (or am immensely hungover).

    Cheers

    • I always say the only walls between us are the walls we create. And good point about how a bad day (for whatever reason) and make it more difficult not to get clouded.

      Cheers!

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